Frames of Mind
by performativezippers
Summary: Barging into the ladies' restroom was not how Jane had hoped to begin her confrontation with Maura, but neither was letting her friend puke her guts out alone in a dingy bar bathroom. And God help Dr. Maura Isles if she had snuck out a bathroom window just to avoid a simple conversation.
1. Chapter 1

Jane walked into the house without bothering to knock. She'd never needed to knock here. She heard the expected sounds – the low drone of the baseball announcer, the bright metallic clatter of pot on stove, the delicate strains of the classical music Maura insisted on playing every week ("I think with greater exposure you'll all come to find such value and beauty in it!") – but she also heard something unexpected. Jane decided to forgo taking off her shoes in the hallway to investigate what, exactly, was making Tommy whoop like that. She rounded the corner and saw her mother in the kitchen, coaxing a reluctant Korsak to stir the sauce. She saw Frost and Tommy sitting in their usual spots, with their eyes fixed on the couch. Frost looked uncomfortable, Tommy looked enthralled. Jane couldn't tell how Frankie looked, because his face was blocked by Maura's. He was kissing her for all he was worth.


	2. Chapter 2

Jane froze. Jane couldn't imagine what it felt like to move. Jane could barely remember any moment in her life before this one, and she couldn't imagine one after it. She'd fallen out of the slipstream of time and memory and simply existed. Watching. Watching her brother gently tongue Maura. Watching his hands on her face, in her hair. She felt nothing. She couldn't remember what it was like to feel emotions. Once, in a completely separate life, she'd lain in a bed with Maura and asked her if she would tell Jane if she were a cyborg. ("No, I don't think that I would.") Jane wasn't a cyborg. Jane wasn't Jane. Jane wasn't anything but a direct conduit from optical input to long-term memory. Jane couldn't process. Jane could only be. And watch.


	3. Chapter 3

Jane watched as Frankie slowly disengaged from Maura, pulling his hands out of her hair and gently leaning back out of her personal space. Sound came back when Jane heard Maura laugh. Not her startled by a funny comment laugh, not her deep throaty chuckle, not her fake date laugh, not her polite society titter. Jane didn't know what kind of laugh this was. It was breathy – on anyone else it might have been a giggle. It was self-deprecating, slightly embarrassed, and a bit proud. It was high pitched but remained rooted in her throat. Jane had never heard it before. It was completely unfamiliar.

Tommy whooped again, and smacked Frankie on the back.

"Attaboy, Frankie! Didn't know ya had it in ya!"

Jane saw Frankie's face clearly for the first time. He looked stunned. He looked like he was just settling back into his body, and was surprised to find it the same one he had started the night in. He looked up and caught Jane's eye. Their glances met, and he recoiled, looking like she was the most gruesome monster from his childhood bedroom. He looked, Jane suddenly realized, like a disgusting idiot. He opened his mouth to speak, and promptly closed it.

"Janie!" Tommy followed Frankie's glance. "Oh my gawd, you missed it Janie! It was so epic, I can't believe you missed it!" Tommy gashed, oblivious as always, calling everyone's attention to Jane. Jane saw Frost glance nervously at her. Frankie's eyes couldn't decide if they wanted to look at Jane's or at that truly fascinating painting on the wall behind her that Maura had gushed over last month ("It recalls the beauty inside of a rigidly imposed juxtaposition of chance and mathematical constants!"). Tommy was giddy, his eyes brightly dancing like the time she snuck him into his first Red Sox game. Maura straightened her back. Maura didn't turn around.

"Janie, oh my god, I made a bet with Maura about the game, and she lost! Can you believe that, Janie, she lost a bet to me! And then you'll never believe this part Janie!"

"She kissed Frankie."

If anyone noticed her not-even-cyborg voice, no one mentioned it. Maura's back remained stiffly upright. Maura always had absurdly phenomenal posture.

"Yeah! They just made out for like, a full minute. Oh my gawd, Janie, it was priceless."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Dinner was _(weird awkward strange imaginary stilted normal)_. Time and space no longer skipped past Jane; she was now simply their passenger. She was swept along by the seconds and the minutes. Sometimes she heard sounds and sometimes she didn't. Sometimes she was sure that Frankie was still kissing Maura, and sometimes she knew that she was back at her desk, downing her 75th coffee of the day. Sometimes she ate and sometimes she remembered to swallow but forgot to chew. Her brain declined to turn itself back on. Jane was a passive recipient of stimuli.

Before dessert, Maura promptly stood up. Maura wasn't sitting next to Jane tonight. Jane had noticed. Maura announced that she was quite exhausted from her day, and was going to retire to her bedroom. She invited everyone else to please stay and continue to enjoy their evening. She wished them the best, walked over to Angela, deposited a kiss on her cheek, and swept up the stairs.

Jane's brain jumpstarted back into action. Her cogs scrambled to make sense of the last hour, to keep up, to make words and facial expressions like a human Jane might. She noticed that everyone else seemed to be having the same problem. No one could believe that Maura, perfect hostess Maura, high society Maura, classy beyond belief Maura, had just walked out of her own party. Everyone looked uncomfortable. But Angela looked at Jane.

* * *

Frankie hesitated. He'd never been upstairs in this house before. He stood outside the door trying to gather his courage. He realized with a jolt he was crossing into total creeper territory, just standing silently outside her bedroom door. He summoned up everything that made him feel strong enough to face down a murder or a drug dealer, found it insufficient, and knocked anyway. He heard a soft, tired sounding noise of assent, and he eased open the door.

Maura was sitting up in bed. Her oversize cream-colored comforter looked like the kind he and Jane always imagined jumping on as children. Maura was leaning against a few pillows, and what looked like a medical journal was resting on her lap. The king-size bed completely dwarfed her. It was pretty dark, but Frankie was pretty sure that the light from the lamp next to her wasn't what made her eyes look so red. With that observation, Frankie's courage exhausted itself. He just stood there. Awkwardly.

Maura quirked an eyebrow at him. She inquired if he were trying to push his luck tonight.

Frankie stuttered, first in confusion, then in denial. "Wha? I don—Oh. Oh, naw. Oh naw, Dr. Isles. No, I don't, I mean, I wouldn't, um."

Maura mercifully cut him off by softly saying his name.

Frankie jammed his hands into his pockets. He knew it was a move he picked up from Jane. He hoped Maura wouldn't notice. He sighed, and, as was his default, told the truth.

"I wanted to see if you were okay."

A slow tear rolled down her cheek. Frankie realized he'd never actually seen anyone cry prettily before. He also realized that pretty crying might just be sadder than ugly crying.

She assured him that she was perfectly alright. Her voice was soft and tired, but steady. If he hadn't seen the tear, or the few that made bold to follow it, he might have turned to go.

"Look, Dr. Isles, if you don't want to talk to me about it, I understand. But I'm a cop, and I grew up with Janie. I know how to tell when a girl says she's fine but she isn't."

Maura deflected. She told Frankie that she was perfectly fine because her amygdala, lacrimal glands, and rate of oxygen intake were all working perfectly symbiotically. Because of this (because of what?) she was perfectly fine. She thanked Frankie for coming to check on her, wished him a good night, and told him she'd see him at the precinct in the morning.

Frankie had no idea what she was talking about, but he understood a dismissal when he heard one. He also understood the sound of someone who desperately wanted to be alone while they cried. He said goodnight and silently walked out of the room.


	5. Chapter 5

Frankie found Jane and his mother in the kitchen. Everyone else had left while he was upstairs.

"Frankie, where've you been? Did you just come from upstairs? What were you doing up there?"

"Ma, calm down. I was gone for like, 45 seconds." He tried to share a knowing grimace with Jane. She looked like she'd forgotten that she had a face. "I just wanted to check on Maura, okay? She didn't seem so great at dinner."

This snapped Jane out of the last of her fogginess. The first thing she found was, unsurprisingly, sarcastic aggression.

"Oh, you mean after you finally pulled your tongue out of her throat? Well, gee, Frankie, what the hell could be up with her, huh?"

Angelea smacked Jane's hand with the wooden spoon she was drying off. "Jane Rizzoli, you watch your language in front of your little brother!"

"Really?" Dripping with disdain. As usual. "Really, Ma? Frankie gets a free pass for…for totally macking on Maura in her own house and clearly freaking her out, but **I** get hit for stating the fact of what happened? How is that fair?"

"Look, Jane, it was just a bet, okay?" Frankie shifted nervously. He'd really been hoping the whole bet thing would've ended by the time Jane showed up. "She said okay to it. She consented to it, I mean. It wasn't a big deal, okay Janie?"

Jane narrowed her eyes at him. He'd never seen a scarier person than his sister when she looked at him like this. "Then why, Frankie, if she, 'you mean, consented to it,' and it wasn't, 'like, a big deal'" (so much eyerolling) "why did she walk out of dinner like that, hmm? Why's she upstairs, Frankie, huh?"

"Jane." Angela put on her most serious mom voice. Frankie quickly revised his earlier assumption. His ma was at least as scary as Jane. "Jane, I don't think this is Frankie's fault. I—no, Jane, shush and listen to your mother. Jane. Where have you been all weekend?"

Jane was flummoxed by the change of subject. But she knew better than to lie to her mother about something Angela could find out about. "I was with Casey. Why."

"And who did you eat lunch with on Friday?"

"Casey. Ma, I'm asking again. Why?"

"What about Thursday?"

"Ma!"

"Jane."

"Casey. I had lunch with Casey on Thursday, and on Wednesday and on Monday, okay Ma? What's the big deal? He's my boyfriend. I thought that was what people did with their boyfriends. That's what you've always wanted, right? For me to be the type of person who has a boyfriend?"

"Janie." Angela's voice softened but didn't loose its steely base. "When was the last time you spent more than half an hour with Maura?"

"What? Ma, I see Maura every single day."

"No, Janie, I mean **with** her. Alone, with her, for more than half an hour. Like you did before Casey. When was the last time you watched a movie together or ate lunch together without Frost and Korsak? When was the last time you turned down Casey to hang out with Maura instead?"

"Ma, what's going on? What are you talking about?" Jane was trying to play it cool, but her pulse was rising rapidly. She felt cool water enter her veins. She didn't know the answers to any of those questions.

Angela knew exactly what was happening. "Jane," she said very softly, "when was the last time you cancelled on Maura to be with Casey?"

Jane said nothing.

"It was today, Janie. You were supposed to go running with her. But you didn't show up. She waited here, in her running clothes, for an hour before she gave up. You didn't even call."

Jane's brain found defensiveness. "Ma, I'm with Casey. I can't spend every second with Maura like I did before. It's physically impossible."

There was a pause. "But you could spend some seconds with her, Janie. I don't think she's upset because of Frankie. I think she's upset because of you. You're not being a very good friend to her right now, Jane. Maura's sensitive, Jane, but she's also proud. She's not going to beg you for your time. She's just going to hurt, upstairs."

Her brain seemed be liking defensiveness. "Ma, what do you want me to do? Break up with Casey so I can go back to spending every lunch and weekend with Maura? Aren't you the one always telling me that I need a man, that even if I say friends with Maura I'll still die an old maid?"

Steel. "Jane, no. Don't insult me with that tone or those words. Don't act like I'm making something out of nothing. Don't act like I don't understand that things change when a friend starts seeing someone. I just want you to go talk to her. Show her that you're still her friend."

"Ugh, Ma." Jane'd had enough. She flapped her hand at her mother and walked out of the kitchen. Frankie shared a pained look with his mother and, at her nod, followed Jane into the living room.

"Janie. Look. I know you're not really interested in listening to Ma tell you how to be Casey's girlfriend and a friend to Maura at the same time, but I gotta tell you something."

Jane sighed. She put down the beer bottles she'd collected from the coffeetable, flopped down on the couch, and gestured for Frankie to get this over with.

"Jane, look, first of all, I'm sorry I kissed Maura. I can tell you got upset about it, and I'm sorry about that, okay? I didn't think it would bother you. It was just a bet, a joke. But I'm sorry it was weird for you, and I'm sorry if it was weird for her, okay? But Janie, I gotta tell ya, I agree with Ma. I don't think Maura's upset about the bet, and…the kiss. Look, Janie, I don't really know how to say this…"

"Briefly?"

His eyeroll gave hers a run for its money. He took a deep breath and plowed on. "You know, Janie, I've never thought of her as small. I mean, I know she's not tall, and I know that she wears those ridiculous heels so that we all don't look down at her when we're talking. I know that. But I've never thought of her as short, or petite, or little, or any of those things. But tonight, at dinner, and especially up there, alone in that huge bed, she just looked so…small. So small and fragile. She was," Frankie paused, unsure of how much to reveal. Jane was pretending not to look at him, but he knew she was listening intently. "She was upset Jane, and she just seemed really alone. Small and alone. And I don't know about you, but that's not how I want her to look. That's not how she **should** look. She's supposed to be tough, and stunning, and startling, and kinda gross, with her hands deep in someone's intestines or something, ya know. But she just looked…I dunno. I dunno what else to say except for small. You should go talk to her, Jane. I don't know if she'll talk to ya, but I think you should try."

His work done, Frankie clapped Jane on the shoulder, walked into the kitchen, kissed his Ma goodnight, and headed out the front door. Angela walked over to Jane, dropped a kiss on her forehead, then pulled her up by her arm and gave her a gentle shove toward the stairs.


	6. Chapter 6

Jane found herself at the top of the stairs before she'd decided whether or not to go up. She sighed. Her mother was the most offensive, most awful, most meddling busybody in the history of ever. The worst part was that Jane knew Angela was right. She'd be neglecting Maura. She didn't know when it had started, but she realized now that it was happening. She owed it to Maura to try and make it up to her.

Much like Frankie had not 30 minutes before, Jane steeled herself, took a deep breath, and knocked.

Nothing happened.

The light continued to spill out from under the door from the bedside lamp. Jane knocked again. Nothing. Jane cleared her throat. Nothing. Jane said Maura's name, and knocked again. Nothing.

Jane puffed in exasperation. Either Maura was being obstinate, which was totally rude because she let Frankie in, of all people, or she'd fallen asleep with the light on again, which she repeatedly yelled at Jane about ("Do you have any idea what the flickering light from the television does to your REM cycles?"). Bracing herself again, Jane pushed open the door, intending to remove the book from Maura's hands and turn off the light, as they'd done countless times for each other before. This time was different.

Jane stopped in the doorway, struck by how small Maura looked. She was pale and hunched in on herself, rigidly proper posture forgotten. The eyes that looked up at Jane in shock were wide and red-rimmed. She looked like Bambi after the worst scene in any children's movie ever. She looked damaged. She looked terrified. She looked small.

* * *

"Maura."

"Jane. I don't believe that I invited you to enter."

Jane didn't let the formality stop her. She never had. It was something Maura had loved about her, once.

"I'm sorry. I thought you were sleeping, maybe."

"As you can see, I'm not." Jane was reminded of Maura's old nickname. Ice Queen. Doctor Death.

"No, you're not." An excruciatingly awkward silence screamed through the room.

Maura finally broke the tension by shifting slightly. "Thank you for coming over tonight, Jane. I know your mother very much appreciated your presence. However, your obligation for the evening is over, and I wouldn't want to keep you from your prior engagement. I'll see you tomorrow at the precinct." Her eyes never met Jane's, but her tone held steady.

So did Jane's. "What prior engagement?"

"I assume that you are going back to Casey. It is still relatively early in the evening. I don't want to keep you." Those same words again. _I don't want to keep you. I don't want to keep you._ It both was and wasn't exactly what she meant. "It was nice of you to make time to see your mother and your brothers, but I imagine they have all gone home by now."

"Maura, I don't…" Jane trailed off. She **had** been planning to go back to Casey's apartment tonight. She knew he'd expected her to be there by now. They hadn't discussed it even, it was just expected. When was the first time she'd made plans after Sunday family dinner? She remembered that she used to hang out for hours after everyone else left. She couldn't remember when she'd stopped doing that.

Maura knew when. It was six dinners ago.

_Jane had already been seeing Casey for a while, but that was when Maura knew it was serious. She'd felt so blindsided. After the game had ended, all the boys trouped out. Angela had given both of them a kiss and left out the back door. Maura poured herself and Jane another glass of wine in the kitchen, and carried them out to the living room, where she expected Jane to be sprawled on the couch, flipping channels. Like she always was. But she wasn't there. Maura stood there, her giant brain struggling to comprehend the breakdown of something so routine as to be a scientific constant. Gravity existed; so did Jane on her couch on Sunday nights. Jane had defied the laws of gravity by walking back into the living room, feet surprisingly loud in the boots she'd been putting on in the hall. With a chagrined look on her face, she'd apologized. Sorry, she hadn't had much time with Casey this week, so he'd asked her to come over after dinner. Did Maura mind? Jane'd make it up to her later. Maura, shell-shocked, shook her head, mute. Jane grinned and left. She never made it up to her. Maura slowly walked back into the kitchen, and carefully and methodically drank both glasses and the rest of the bottle._

"Goodnight Jane. Please turn off the lights in the house on your way out."

Jane hesitated. She felt like she was standing on a precipice. She felt like she was being tested, but she didn't know what for, or by who (whom?), or how to win. She just stood there.

Maura deliberately ignored the fact that Jane was still in the room. She slowly turned the page of her medical journal and willed her lacrimal glands to ignore the signals from her amygdala, just for another minute.

Sensing Maura's desire to be alone, Jane slowly backed out of the room.

"Goodnight Maur. See you tomorrow."

She closed the door softly, willing the image of small sad Maura to leave her brain. She slowly walked down the stairs, turned off all the lights, put on her shoes, and walked out into the night.

Maura heard the front door close. She released her iron hold on her lacrimal glands. As her sobs finally broke, she felt as though her chest was going to explode, like she was going to break into a million desolate pieces. The worst puzzle in the world. But by now, she was an old hat at coping with this feeling. She'd had three months of Casey back in Jane's life. Three months of missed lunches, lonely nights, bleak weekends, and six heartbreaking nights after family dinners. Three months full of the specter of Casey.

With a practiced hand, Maura reached under the bed and pulled out a bottle of vodka. She made a quite a dent in it. But it didn't make much of a dent in her tears.

* * *

An hour later, Jane lay naked in Casey's bed. He was already passed out on top of her, his sweaty skin sticking unpleasantly to her own. She tried to sleep, but every time she closed her eyes, she saw images of Frankie's hands in Maura's hair and of Maura alone in her giant bed. Looking so small.

* * *

**A/N**: She speaks.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N**: Rating change for language and sad times. There won't be explicit smut. But this chapter, and many of the chapters to follow, will be dark, both sexually and emotionally. Thank you.

* * *

The next three weeks were awkward, to say the least. Jane and Maura never discussed that night. They both pretended that Maura hadn't kissed Frankie and that Jane hadn't seen her cry. They both pretended like nothing was wrong with their friendship. They both knew it was a lie.

Jane tried to spend more time with Maura. She tried to make more time for her, and tried not to talk about Casey during those times. But Maura was being…well, difficult, really. She was often busy, sometimes cancelling lunch plans at the last moment. She'd stopped spending any time with Jane at night or on the weekends, except for Sunday dinners. At the first dinner after sad-small-Maura, Jane half-heartedly tried to stick around after Angela and the boys left, but Maura claimed that she had plans with an old friend and left Jane standing alone in the house, completely confused. And when they did manage to eat lunch together at work, Maura would usually invite Frost, or Korsak, or Frankie, or even Susie Chang to join them. Jane passed one of the most uncomfortable twenty minutes of her life alone in Maura's office with Susie, waiting for Maura to meet them as she'd promised. Eventually, Jane realized Maura was never coming and she escaped back to the bullpen. After she left, Susie quietly retched up her nerves into a sink in autopsy.

Jane and Maura had exactly one lunch alone together in those long three weeks. Jane tried to ask Maura about how she was doing, about who she was seeing whenever she told Jane that she was busy or out. Maura subtly deflected every question. Jane didn't realize until she was back at her desk that despite her effort, they had spoken about only their current case and about Casey. Jane had had a more intimate conversation with Cavanaugh in line for coffee that morning.

Jane was fed up. She was fed up and she was frustrated and she was super pissed that everyone (read: Angela and Frankie's sad eyes) kept blaming her for abandoning Maura. Wasn't she _trying_? Hadn't she called and called, just to be turned down time and time again? Wasn't she doing everything right? Being a best friend to someone who didn't want to was rapidly becoming the most exhausting part of Jane's life.

Mid-day Friday, Jane decided she was done with this crap. She was going to force Maura to come out with her and the guys to the Dirty Robber, and she was going to confront her about what was going on. She was going to shake the image of sad-small-Maura out of her eyes and yell, if she had to, to get big-strong-funny-friend-Maura back.

She sent Frost and Korsak down to autopsy to invite Maura out. She told them, in the strictest confidence, of course, that Maura was feeling a little down, and needed to come out, but would need to be convinced, cajoled, wooed, even. She'd sent down the right team. Maura resisted heavily, but Korsak's gentle guilt needled her heart, and Frost's earnest desire to spend time with his friend shone out of his eyes. She agreed to come.

Jane was grimly pleased. Maura took several deep breaths.

* * *

The plan was not quite going according to plan. Maura had come to the Robber, alright, but she was doing a truly fantastic job of avoiding Jane. The bar was more crowded than usual, and everyone was feeling boisterous. Instead of their normal quiet booth in the back, Jane's team ended up standing around by the bar, talking and knocking back beers. Maura flitted from one group to another, never staying anywhere long enough for Jane to extricate herself and come over. Often, Jane lost sight of the smaller woman for several moments, before joining and talking to someone from vice, or patrol, or the crime lab.

Maura was smooth. Jane was sure no one else noticed how studiously she was avoiding the detective. But Jane wasn't the youngest and most awesome detective ever for nothing. She noticed. She noticed, and it bothered her. She looked at the half-full (half-empty?) bottle of beer in her hand. _Okay, Blue Moon_, she told her bottle, solemnly, _I'm gonna drink you up, liquid courage style, and then I'm going to go find her, wherever she is, and force her to come to talk to me._ The bottle didn't disagree, so Jane began chugging. Just as she finished (earning herself a resounding slap on the back from Frankie, which in turn earned him a resounding belch in his face) she noticed Maura heading to restroom. Jane sauntered over to the jukebox closest to the restroom door. With her quarry suitably corralled, Jane struck up a conversation with some of the folks from the crime lab and just waited it out.

* * *

That plan was also not quite going according to plan. Jane had been waiting for about 10 minutes for Maura to come out. She at first she thought maybe there was a line, or Maura was taking a call. Now she knew, with dead certainty, that Maura was either sick or had snuck out the bathroom window. Neither option was good, and both options necessitated action. Barging into the ladies' restroom was not how Jane had hoped to begin her confrontation with Maura, but neither was letting her friend puke her guts out alone in a dingy bar bathroom. And God help Dr. Maura Isles if she had snuck out a bathroom window just to avoid a simple conversation.

Feeling much like she had the last time she was upstairs in Maura's house, the night she met sad-small-Maura, Jane gathered her courage, took a deep breath, and started pushing the bathroom door open as she called "Maura? You okay?"

Jane pulled up short in the doorway. There was a man standing on the other side of the bathroom, facing Jane. He was grungy and gross looking. The kind of guy Jane wouldn't even let buy a drink for her. She certainly wouldn't have let him anywhere near Maura. He had just finished unzipping his fly, and was pulling it out of his pants.

Kneeling right in front of him, the top of her dress askew, and her bare knees touching the disgusting floor, was Dr. Maura Isles.


	8. Chapter 8

_Jane pulled up short in the doorway. There was a man standing on the other side of the bathroom, facing Jane. He was grungy and gross looking. The kind of guy Jane wouldn't even let buy a drink for her. She certainly wouldn't have let him anywhere near Maura. He had just finished unzipping his fly, and was pulling it out of his pants. _

_Kneeling right in front of him, the top of her dress askew, and her bare knees touching the disgusting floor, was Dr. Maura Isles._

In an instant, Jane's gun was in her hands, safety off, pointing directly at the skuzzy chest in front of her.

"STEP AWAY FROM HER." Jane roared, holding her position firmly. Nobody moved. Maura didn't run to Jane, didn't stand, didn't collapse, didn't twitch. She just knelt there, pristine knees and thousand dollar shoes motionless on the hard floor.

Jane could barely process what was happening. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER. WHAT DID YOU DO. GET AWAY FROM HER." The blood was rushing in Jane's ears. Somehow the guy's hands had come up above his head. He was twitching backwards, terrified, his now limp penis hanging ridiculously out of his pants.

"Whoa, whoa, okay, whoa. I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP."

"I didn't, we were just gonna—"

"SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD AND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU."

It was perhaps this breach in protocol that spurred Maura to finally acknowledge that something was wrong.

"Jane. Put the gun down." Her voice was tired and dull. She'd turned a bit towards Jane but hadn't made eye contact. She continued to kneel.

She wasn't moving away from him. Jane was unwilling to put the gun down until Maura was safe. On her feet. Behind Jane. Away from him. Behind Jane, close to Jane.

"Jane." Maura repeated. No response.

Maura heavily got to her feet and came towards Jane, right in the line of fire.

"MAURA, get out the way!"

"No. Jane, stop it. Don't shoot him. Put the gun down. He didn't do anything wrong." She didn't seem phased, or upset. Just weary.

Jane looked at Maura like she'd said this man was really her tortoise who had come to take them to Narnia via Hogwarts where they would only wear hoop skirts made of cotton candy.

"Maura, get behind me."

Maura reached out for the muzzle of the gun and pointed it to the floor. "Stop it, Jane. Leave. This has nothing to do with you."

Jane totally lost it. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Maura, what the FUCK is going on? What the FUCK are you doing in here?"

Maura didn't flinch at the word "fuck." Maura always flinched at that word. Immersion therapy, she thought to herself, wearily. She kept her hand on the muzzle of the gun, now hanging down near her thighs.

"Um, you know what, I'm just gonna go…" The guy tried to slip out behind them.

"OH HELL NO YOU DON'T." Jane tried to grab him, but Maura wouldn't let go of the gun.

"Jane. Stop. Let him go. This was consensual. He didn't do anything to me. Let him go." Maura wouldn't meet her eyes. She tried intently to convince Jane's chin not to shoot this nobody in the bathroom of her favorite bar.

Jane looked at Maura. Really looked at her. Maura seemed exhausted. This was sad-small-Maura, but worse. But she didn't seem accosted, or upset, or like someone had recently tried to force her to her knees. She seemed like she'd made a decision to be there. A fucked up, terrible, disgusting, incomprehensible decision, but a decision.

"Get the fuck out of here." Jane snarled at the guy, not even looking at him.

"Yeah, yeah, sure, of course!" He was braver than he looked, because he leaned around Jane back to Maura. "Hey, could I get your number, or…"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE."

He scampered.

As the door closed behind him, Maura let go of the gun and backed away from Jane. She turned to the mirror and started straightening the top of her dress.

Jane just stood there, gun held limply to her side. She had no idea what to do with the adrenalin, fear, heartbreak, and utter confusion swirling through her brain and her blood and her bones. Once again she reached into herself for words, and once again all she found was bitter sarcasm.

"Really, Maura? Really?"

It was probably not the best choice.

Maura straightened up her shoulders and, for the first time in what felt like years, but was really three months and three weeks, looked Jane directly in the eye.

"What, Jane."

"What? Really? Maura, what the fuck were doing?"

"I would have thought that was obvious." A pause. Maura seemed to be deciding about if she wanted to say more. She did. "I was going to assist that man in achieving climax." She turned back to the mirror.

A third "really" rent the air.

"Really? With that guy?" Jane's voice cracked. "In here? Like that?" Her arm (and the gun) gestured rather wildly to where Maura had been kneeling.

Maura considered her reflection in the mirror. Then, "Yes."

"What the fuck, Maura? WHY?" Jane was nearly shouting. She couldn't, just could not understand what was happening. Why was Maura so calm? Why was she acting like the Ice Queen? Why the fuck had she been on her knees? She reached out to grab Maura's arm, to turn them face-to-face and get a straight answer.

This was certainly not the best choice. Rage rose in Maura like a flood. She ripped her arm out of Jane's grasp and directly channeled all of her hot anger and shame and ice cold fury directly into Jane's face.

"Why, Jane? Why?" She annunciated every word perfectly. Her voice was harsh and steady. "Because I could. Because he wanted me to. Because I am a mother fucking adult, Jane Rizzoli, and I am not beholden to you. You know what Jane, he wasn't going to be the first person I've sucked off in a bathroom this month, and he probably won't be the last. You have **no** **say** over me, Jane. You have no right to control my life or dictate anything about me. If I want to get on my knees for every fucking man in Boston, that is my mother fucking right, do you understand me?" Maura was shouting, as she'd never shouted at or near Jane before. She was trembling with rage and with fear and with every other thing a person could feel when their brain was overloading on every neurochemical it could.

She pushed Jane out of her way, and made it to the door. "Don't fucking touch me. Stay out of my life. Just leave me alone."

The door swung shut behind her. Jane just stood there, shaking so hard that she kept pointing the gun at her own foot.

* * *

**A/N**: Sorry for those of you looking for a quick solution. These ladies have a tough road ahead of them. These are two super fucked up, super stubborn beautiful characters we have here, and I truly believe in giving them the chance to work through how fucked up they should be, given everything.

Also, I didn't really know where to say this, but I'm writing Frost into this story. I thank Lee for creating such a beautiful character for us even while his own life was unlivably painful.


	9. Chapter 9

It took Jane longer than she'd like to admit to come fully back into herself. Her ears were ringing with the sound of Maura's voice yelling "fuck" over and over again. _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck_.

"Fuck."

She couldn't stop shaking. She didn't know when she'd started, but she couldn't stop. She fumbled her gun back into the holster, barely remembering to flip the safety back on. She felt like the last five minutes were on fast-forward on Google Glasses krazy-glued to her eyeballs. Maura on the ground. Maura yelling. Maura's sad-small eyes. Maura furious. Maura leaving. Over and over and over. _Fuck, fuck, _"Fuck."

Jane staggered out of the bathroom and nearly fell into Frost's arms. He took one good look at her and deposited her in a corner of the bar. He grabbed a stool from the bar, dragged it over, and gently shoved her onto it. "Jane," he finally said softly. "Are you okay?"

Jane just looked at him from her new perch, mouth opening and closing like a codfish. Was she okay? What was okay? How could a person possibly be okay after what she'd just seen? Her thoughts were swirling, interspersed with the background bass beat of sad-Maura-angry-Maura. _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck you Jane Rizzoli_. She dug her hands into her hair, pulling fistfuls of dark curls as hard as she could. It didn't help, it didn't make the sounds go away. Jane looked in Frost's general direction and eloquently said: "Whaa?"

Frost sighed. He really didn't want to be the one to do this. But he was kind of the best person on the planet, so he put his hand on her shoulder and leaned into the maelstrom.

"Jane. Did you see Maura in there, um, hooking up with someone?"

Jane jerked around like he'd stabbed her. "What?! How? What? I?"

Frost would have laughed, if he hadn't felt like lying down on the floor and giving up. Instead, because he was the best person ever, he took a breath and explained. "I just heard some jackass at the bar say he was about to, um…" Frost stopped the words he'd been about to say (_"get sucked off by these giant fucking tits!")_ and censored himself, "get with some hot blonde, but then this crazy lady with a gun came in and started screaming at her. I figured that had to be you." He hoped for a smile. He might as well have been hoping for everyone to yell APRIL FOOLS and shower him with confetti.

"I…yeah. I did. What the fuck, Frost?" Plaintive, sad, confused, lost, little kid Jane mumbled into her hands.

Frost sighed again. "I didn't want to believe it, but I sort of walked in on her making out with someone else last weekend, so, I guess this isn't that different." Frost trailed off, immediately regretting that decision. Luckily (?) Jane was too far gone to notice.

Jane was struggling. She really was. She wasn't a cyborg. She had feelings, she just didn't know what they were. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_. Maura on the ground. Maura yelling. Maura sad. Maura small. Maura's blood seeping out onto the hospital bed underneath Hoyt's scalpel. No, no, that one was over. That one was done. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_.

Suddenly, life rushed back into Jane. "Maura!" She jumped to her feet and tried to push past Frost. "Frost, I have to go after her. I have to go. Where is my stuff? Where's my bag?"

Frost held her back. "Jane. Wait. Stop. Let me go after her, okay?"

"What?" Dumbstruck. "Why? Why you?"

"Because."

Jane raised an eyebrow. She stared him down like a perp. But Frost hadn't been her partner for this long without a badass backbone. He didn't yield an inch. "Jane, there is clearly something wrong. She's upset. Something is going on, and it gets worse every time you get near her. Please. Let me go right now, okay? Just to make sure she's safe."

He didn't wait for an answer before he left Jane in the corner to rush out into the crisp darkness. He didn't need to wait. All anyone had to say was "Maura's safety" and Jane would cave. Frost wasn't an idiot.

* * *

Frost dashed out of the bar, intending to get in his car and speed, siren wailing, to Maura's house. Instead, he found her sitting motionless in the passenger's seat of her own little Prius. She had her phone in her hands. It looked too big for her.

Before he could lose his nerve, he gently rapped on the window. Maura started, comically so. She didn't make a move to open the window or get out of the car. Frost kept standing there. Finally, she slowly leaned over, turned the car on, and lowered the window halfway. "Hello, Detective."

"Hey, Dr. Isles. Um, hey, I came to see if you were alright."

God, she was so sick of being asked that. "Yes, thank you, Detective. I am perfectly fine."

"Um, look Doc, I don't mean to sound intrusive or anything, but why are you sitting on the wrong side of your car?"

"Oh! Well I'm afraid I had a bit too much to drink tonight, Detective, so I was just waiting in here while I called a cab." Substitute "waiting" for "hiding," and Frost bought it.

"Okay. Look. Let me drive you home, okay? I'll just be a second."

"Oh, no, Frost. That's quite alright. A taxi will suffice."

"No, Doc, I insist. Please, I was just leaving anyway. Just let me run inside to grab my jacket, and I'll have you home in jiff. We can even use the siren, if you'd like."

Maura gave him a sad half-smile. "Alright. Thank you, Detective."

"Just one sec, okay? Just one second!" He literally sprinted back into the bar. Maura noticed the unfamiliar feeling of pleasure and companionship faintly ghost through her, but it was gone before she could examine it.

Frost rushed back to Jane, grabbing his coat on the way. "Jane, I'm gonna give her a ride home, okay? Then I'll come back and get you, alright? Can you just stay here? Or do you want me to meet you at your apartment? Oh no, we came in the same car. Can you wait here? But I don't know how long it'll take at the Doc's!" Frost was clearly out of his mind with the responsibility of two incredibly fragile ladies in his hands. Especially because one of those ladies could drop kick him a solid twenty feet and the other could kill him without leaving a trace (he was pretty sure).

"It's okay, Frost. I'll have Frankie drive me home."

Super relieved, Frost clapped her on the shoulder. "Good. I'll see you there, then."

* * *

The car ride was certainly awkward. Maura gazed out the window, Frost fiddled with everything. A lot. Finally he knew that if he didn't break the tension he'd crash the car just to make something happen.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Maura seemed to be expecting the question. "No, thank you."

Frost was still not an idiot. He knew that the kind doctor hid behind her ladylike manners when she didn't want to talk about something. He also knew that she didn't like to lie. He mercilessly exploited his advantage. It was for the greater good.

"Why are you avoiding Jane?"

She was not expecting that. "What are you talking about?"

He valiantly pressed on. "Look, Doc. Jane's not the only detective on the force, you know? I notice things too. I've noticed that you seem" (deep breath Frost, you can do it!) "kind of desperate to be around Jane, but then as soon as she's around you, you can't get away fast enough."

Maura said nothing. She hadn't realized anyone else had noticed. She hadn't realized that her behavior had become quite so pathological. She'd considered herself to be erratic lately, yes, but the realization that she was obsessively and methodically dancing around Jane clearly enough to be noticed by Frost, of all people, was quite jarring.

"I…I would rather not talk about it, just now."

"Okay. You don't have to. I just want you to know that if you do, you know, want to talk or whatever, I wouldn't tell Jane what you said."

"Thank you," said soft-sad-small Maura to the window.

"I hope you can forgive her for anything she did tonight, Maura. You know how Jane can be when she's feeling protective."

Maura sighed and leaned into the window. Yes, she knew how Jane could be when she was feeling protective. But Maura couldn't keep throwing herself in the line of fire so Jane would notice her. The problem, really, was that Maura also knew how Jane could be when she wasn't feeling protective. Maura knew what it was like when Jane wasn't paying attention.

From her best friend in the world, Maura, the sweet little girl who'd never had a real friend in her life, learned what abandonment felt like.

And she'd learned how to weaponize it. But the problem, the real problem, was that weaponized abandonment was a double-edged blade.

She'd been trying to abandon Jane. But instead, she was pretty sure that she'd only abandoned herself.


	10. Chapter 10

Maura slipped inside the house, quiet as a shadow. She heard Frost's car back out of the driveway and ease down the street. She smiled faintly at how he'd offered to stay on her couch tonight so she wouldn't feel so alone. Her mouth twitched at how they'd gone back and forth ("Oh no, you mustn't trouble yourself." "Oh no, it's no problem at all." "No, I insist you go." "No, I insist I stay.") She studiously avoided looking at said couch, or anywhere in the living room. She used to spend most of her time with Jane in that room. She obviously hadn't been in it in weeks, except for during Sunday dinners.

She left the lights off downstairs and climbed up to her bathroom. She dropped all her clothes on the floor and stepped directly into the shower without giving it time to warm up. She soaped herself vigorously under the tepid spray. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt clean. She couldn't remember the last time she'd wanted to shower because of honest sweat, rather than because of skin crawling memories. She couldn't remember the last time she'd showered without crying just a little.

Tonight she cried more than a little.

After the water went from tepid to deliciously hot to tepid to unbearably freezing, she finally stepped out. She hung her dress up carefully next to her other dry cleaning, neatly stepping over the piles of clothes from days she'd hadn't been feeling quite so industrious. She toweled off with enough force to strip the barnacles from a wharf and pulled on her most comfortable outfit. She neatly hung up the towel. She prided herself on the little things, now.

She went downstairs and began to wander aimlessly. She had no idea what to do with herself all night. She didn't really sleep anymore. She'd nap for a few hours early in the morning and for another hour or two after work. But from dusk to dawn, Maura walked. She passed through her house several times, unsure of what she wanted to do, what she should do, what she was supposed to do.

She hadn't been in her house at night, sober, in a very long time. She had quite forgotten how to do it.

She'd lied to Frost. Well, pretty much. Almost. She'd _almost_ lied right to his face. She was getting better at it, these days, but it still made her a little (a lot) proud every time. She'd looked him in the face and told him that she'd had too much to drink. It wasn't a lie: she'd had a lot of water to drink. But she knew what he'd thought, and she let him. She'd said it on purpose. She didn't want it getting back to Jane that she'd done it sober tonight. That she'd _almost_ done it sober. That she had been going to do it sober.

She'd never done it sober, before. She'd had sex sober, sure, but not like this. Not since she'd started what she silently called her "Secret Sex Panic." Alcohol was a crucial component of the Secret Sex Panic. Without it, she was sure it would just be panic. But tonight she wanted to know if she could do it. If she were strong enough to do it sober.

It had been worse sober. It had been a lot worse sober. As she ghosted through the house, she heard the sound of his zipper, of her knees hitting the floor every few seconds. She smelled his hands in every room. She felt his rancid breath in her hair at every turn. Yes, it was much worse sober. And the remembering. That was certainly worse. Maura was not interested in remembering the details, really. Secret Sex Panic was not about details. It was about power. It was about control. It was about Ice.

It was certainly not about Jane.

* * *

Maura eventually settled in the kitchen. She sat on the floor, leaning back against the island. She'd gone into Bass's den, picked him up, carried him into the kitchen, and placed him in her lap. It was quite possibly the most absurd thing she had ever done in her life. Bass was heavy, awkward, painful, and clearly unhappy about what was happening to him. But Maura was unrelenting, and eventually Bass decided to just roll with it.

For the next chunk of the night, Bass was the recipient of Maura's undivided attention. She found herself desperate to speak, to use her voice, to assert her subjecthood. She told him some of her favorite stories from childhood as a way to ease into the intimate conversation she was aching to have. She told him all about Robin Hood and Maid Marion, who she suspected Bass had a crush on. She told him about Cinderella and Snow White and Belle, who was totally Maura's favorite because Belle hadn't any friends either. She chastised Bass for judging her for being too old to like Belle, because that story was timeless. She told him the plots of her favorite operas and ballets. She tried to explain contemporary installation art to him, but he had trouble grasping it. She became completely unprofessional and disclosed a lot of confidential details about current and past cases with him.

Bass finally looked up at her with his eyes narrowed. Maura knew she'd used up her allotment of superficial talking time. She took a deep breath, settled him more firmly on her lap (which he totally was not into) and told him about Hoyt. She told him about being kidnapped by Doyle. She cried when she told him about watching Jane shoot herself. She told him about watching Jane shoot Doyle. She told him about racing school and physical therapy and she couldn't tell him about closure because there was none. She told him about how Jane's blood looked on her hands. She told him about how her blood looked on Jane's.

She told him about Jane. She told him her favorite things, like how her hair looked when it was down and how she would rub her scars when she was nervous. She told him about how Jane's smell was different while she was sleeping. She told him the scientific reason for that, but with the caveat that she could not explain why both smells made (had made) her feel so good. She told him about how it felt to watch Jane play softball and roll her eyes at her Ma. She told him about each one of Jane's different laughs and about all the scars that she knew about it.

She told him, for the very first time out loud, that she loved Jane. (This was not a huge surprise to Bass. He was not an idiot).

Then she told him about Casey. She told him about Casey's big ugly boots and his asymmetrical big ugly face. She told him about how Casey always abandoned Jane. She told him about how Jane didn't seem to care this time. She told him about her lonely lunches. She told him about how happy Jane was.

She told him that it was just the two of them, now. She fed him a strawberry and made him promise never to abandon her. Not long after she feel into a doze, her only friend in the world slowly crawled out of her embrace, back to the comfort of his heat lamp.


	11. Chapter 11

Frankie pulled up to Jane's apartment. The drive had been quiet. Frankie didn't know what exactly had gone down at the bar, but he knew Jane well enough to know he'd lose a precious part of his anatomy if he asked. When he pulled up in front of her place, Jane turned to him.

"Whose idea was it?"

"Whose idea was what?"

"The kiss, Frankie. Whose idea was it?"

It had been three weeks, but Frankie didn't need to ask what kiss. He remembered. He remembered kissing Maura, of course, but he mostly remembered the look on Jane's face when she saw. He remembered sad-small-Maura. He remembered the guilt he'd carried around since that day. He didn't understand why, but he knew things were messed up between Jane and Maura and he knew it was his fault for kissing her. He hadn't known how to bring it up to Jane, but he'd wanted to. He loved her so much. He didn't want her to hate him. He didn't want to feel like this anymore. He was equal parts nervous and relieved to get it out there between them.

"It was Tommy's idea. He and Maura were arguing about which team would score first, and they were both so sure."

_Tommy was insufferably cocky. Maura was insufferably superior. Tommy knew he was right, he __**knew**__ it, and he didn't really how to deal with his lingering attraction to Maura. He always did the weirdest things around her._

_"Okay, Dr. Isles, let's make this interesting, shall we?"_

_She cocked her head to the side. "Don't you already find this game to be interesting?"_

_He dismissed it. "Naw, I mean, like a bet. A wager. A gamble, Doctor."_

_"Oh." She considered it. "A wager with what terms?"_

_He smirked. "If I win, you gotta kiss one of us." He gestured at himself, Frost, and Frankie. Frost clearly panicked. He knew Jane really really well. Maura saw the flash of fear in his eyes. "Not Frost," she said, smiling at him. He loved her so much for it. She looked between Tommy and Frankie. Tommy puffed out his chest, clearly expecting to be picked over Frankie, who was adorably fidgeting with everything around him. Maura was deep in a self-destructive spiral, but she was nowhere near destructive enough to open the can of worms that was kissing Tommy. "Frankie. I'll kiss Frankie."_

_Tommy's face fell. Frankie's face could not decide what to do, so it just sort of gaped at her._

_"But," she held up a finger. Tommy could not stop thinking about sexyteachersexylibrarian. "When I win, you, Tommy, will kiss…" She let it hang long enough that he got excited. She was the only girl in the room. He hoped, hard. He believed. He was so dumb. She really enjoyed it. "Frost. Tommy will kiss Frost."_

_Strenuous objections erupted from both sides, but she quieted them both by cocking her head and holding up her finger again. "Do we have a deal, Mr. Rizzoli?" She held out her hand to shake._

_He'd looked directly at her lips when she'd said his name. His hand was in hers before he knew what was happening. Frost swore quietly behind him._

"I'm sorry, Janie. You know how Tommy can be."

Jane leaned back in her seat and puffed out her breath. "Yeah, I do." She was relieved it hadn't been Frankie's idea. She was very relieved it hadn't been Maura's idea. She was disappointed to be unsurprised that it had been Tommy's idea.

"Janie…do you want to talk about it?"

"About what?"

"About why seeing Maura kissing someone else made you look like you were going to rip my head off with your teeth."

Jane looked over at him. "Is that even physically possible?"

His eyerolling had gotten really good.

"Wait, Frankie, what do you mean 'someone else?' You mean kissing you. She was kissing you."

"Yeah, she was kissing me. But what I meant was…uh." Frankie totally, completely, 100% lost his nerve. It was gone like the break of dawn. It would never be back.

"What, Frankie?" Exasperated Jane was not helping Frankie get his grove back.

"It's nothing, Janie. Don't worry about it. I'll talk to you tomorrow, aright?"

Jane shot him another skeptical look, but he had his stoic middle-child face on. She sighed, clapped him on the shoulder, thanked him for the ride, and went upstairs to wait for Frost.

* * *

She pulled the door open for Frost a while later and immediately went back to her spot on the couch. Socked feet up on the cushion, knees close to her chest, arms wrapped around her shins protectively. "Hey partner."

"Hey yourself, Jane. How are you doing?"

"Fine, buddy. Wanna beer?"

"Jane." Serious face. "How are you doing?"

"Fuck, Frost, I don't know." Her head dropped to her knees for just a moment before coming back up. "I just have no idea what's happening, you know? Why would Maura do something like that? What the fuck was she thinking? Why is she so mad at me? Why won't she call me back, or even look at me? I'm confused, Frost, and I'm really, just, pissed off. And tired."

She looked up at him, still standing by the other end of the couch. Frost realized belatedly that these weren't rhetorical questions. She was genuinely looking to him for answers, asking him to explain this to her. Asking him to explain the one thing that brilliant Detective Rizzoli had been totally missing forever.

Frost loved being her partner, but times like this made him wish he'd been assigned to the K-9 unit. Dogs did not tend to ask such awkward questions with such trust in their faces. Maybe if he pictured her as a poodle it would help.

It didn't. It just made her more confused as he swallowed back a snort of laughter, sounding like a cow getting the heimlich.

He sighed, resignedly. "Okay, Jane, I'm gonna take you up on that beer offer. Do you want one?"

Beers in hand, he sat down on the couch and rubbed his hands over his face. He didn't know where to start.

"Frost. Come on. Talk to me."

"Okay. Just, hear me out, okay?"

A nod.

"Jane, what would you have done if you'd caught Frankie in the position Maura was in tonight?"

"If I'd caught Frankie on his knees about to give some guy a blow job at the Robber? I'd have a lot of questions."

Frost flinched at the description. He hadn't known the details. He wished he still didn't. But he bravely pressed on. "Jane, come on. Be serious."

"I'm sorry, I'm struggling to seriously imagine my little brother giving someone a bathroom blow job. It's weird. It would never happen. And also, gross, Frost." She wrinkled her nose. "That's my _brother_."

"Okay, fine. What if it had been me, Jane? What if you'd walked into that bathroom and caught me on my knees with my head up some girl's skirt?"

"Ew, Frost! Gross!" She punched him in the arm. It seemed like the only thing to do.

"Jane. What would you have done."

"I dunno, Frost. I probably would have yelled 'ew, Frost, gross,' and then given you shit about it for the rest of forever."

Gotcha. "You wouldn't have pulled a gun on her?"

Silence.

"You wouldn't have shouted at me? You wouldn't have wanted to cry and puke at the same time? You wouldn't have driven me to tears?"

Heavier silence.

"Jane, I know that you love me. I know that you'd take a bullet for me. You're like a sister to me, and I like to think that I'm like a brother to you."

A strong nod. His chest purred a little.

"You and I, Jane, we've been through a lot. We're tight. We'd have laughed it off. We'd have moved past it. But that's not what happened with Maura. Jane. Why was it different with Maura?"

"I thought he was forcing her."

"I assume she told you he wasn't?"

Another nod. Slower this time.

"What then, Jane?"

"I wanted to kill him." Softly. "I really wanted to kill him."

"And then?"

Nearly a whisper. "And then…I have no idea what happened, Frost. One second I had my gun on him, and then the next second, I don't even know. I wanted to hit her and I wanted to hug her and I wanted to pull her out of there behind me like we learned at the Academy. I wanted to puke, like you said. I was like, I dunno, panicky. Everything happened too fast."

"Why, Jane? Why was it different with Maura?"

"Because it was Maura."

Gotcha again. "Yeah, Jane. It was Maura." He paused, giving her a moment to collect herself before continuing. "Jane. What's been going on with you and Maura lately?"

"Ugh, God, I don't know. I mean, I sort of know. I guess…" Deep breath. Jane was going to be honest with Frost. It was going to suck. "I guess I've been a really shitty friend to her lately. I guess I got with Casey and then, like, I don't know, I forgot that Maura's really important to me. I started spending all my time with him and I didn't notice I was doing it. And she never said anything, Frost. She never said anything to me!" She looked desperate for him to believe her, to absolve her. He did the first. He wouldn't do the second. "And by the time I noticed it, she'd totally pulled away from me. I've been trying to get back, Frost, I really have. These last few weeks, I've been calling and asking her to have dinner and lunch and go running and stuff, but she keeps turning me down. And then, tonight, I don't know what happened. But I freaked out, I know that. Maybe I overreacted or something. And she looked me in the eye and told me to leave her alone and stay out of her life."

Frost nodded. He was sympathetic, empathetic even. But he was not absolving her.

"What do I do, Frost?"

"You gotta make it right, Jane. You gotta prove to her that you still love her, that you value you her. You gotta make sure she knows that you know that you really fucked up with this whole Casey thing." He'd let her interpret that as she saw fit. "Jane, Maura…well, she really loves you. And not a whole lot of other people. You're her number one person, Jane. And you just totally left her in the dust because you got a new number one."

"Casey isn't my number one." A knee-jerk reaction. _Good_, thought Frost. _That guy is a total dick._

"Jane, you left her."

Jane finally got it. She'd left her. She'd left Maura, just like everyone else in the world had.

"Fuck."

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you so much to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited, and followed this story. I started writing it on a bit of a whim, and I'm quite overwhelmed by its reception. I thought no one would read it. I hope I'm doing an alright job with it. Anon reviewers, I can't respond directly to you, but thank you very much for your notes.

Sorry/not sorry for making some of y'all sad.


	12. Chapter 12

Jane woke up early the next morning determined to talk to Maura. She realized that she'd royally messed up her friendship, but she was sure that if she could just talk to Maura, sober, face-to-face, they could work it out. She'd beg, Maura would forgive her, and they'd start putting the pieces back together. Last night had been horrible, but it was serving as a wake-up call, and Jane was grateful for that.

Jane chose not to think about all the other thoughts that were swirling around just outside her reach. She chose not to dwell on her possible overreaction to Maura's choices last night. She chose not to dwell on the looks on Frankie and Frost's faces last night. She chose not to dwell on why seeing her very best friend in the world, rather than her partner, in a compromising position would make her act so differently. She saw that she had very nearly destroyed her best friendship. A best friendship for the ages. She would fix the friendship. She would fix it really really well.

By 7:00am, Jane was in the car. She knew it was much to early for a social call, but Maura had always been an early riser and Jane couldn't wait another second. Jane focused how Maura was totally already up so it was fine, rather than on how desperate she was to get over there, see Maura, and make this right.

* * *

Maura woke up slowly. The four consecutive hours she'd slept (all sober) was the longest uninterrupted chunk of sleep in a long time. It felt really good. She felt really good.

She shifted slightly. Oh wait. Just kidding. She felt awful. She looked around herself ruefully. She'd fallen asleep on the kitchen floor after her heart to heart with Bass, and apparently hadn't woken up to make her way to the bed. While her brain hadn't noticed her location, her back and neck certainly had. Her body screamed in protest as she tried to peel herself off the floor, taking what felt like eternity just to gather her legs under herself. _WE ARE TOO OLD TO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR_, her vertebrae shouted at her.

Just as she finally made it to her feet, promising her vertebrae a nice long bath, her doorbell rang. She shuffled over to the door, rubbing her shoulder and making incoherent noises of sleepy discomfort. Without bothering to check who it was, the disheveled doctor opened the door to find an eager Detective.

Maura instinctively took a step backwards, her hand falling from her shoulder to hover awkwardly around her stomach. Her face froze and her entire body tensed.

Jane winced at the reaction. She had to make this right. She had to make everything go back to how it had been.

"Maura. Hi. I mean, good morning. I, um, I'm sorry to barge in like this, but I really wanted to talk to you." Jane awkwardly fiddled with her hair.

It was way too early for this. Maura wasn't ready. She didn't have her game face on, and she refused to show Jane her real face. Not anymore, never again.

"Jane. It's early."

"I know, Maur, I know. I'm sorry. But I'm really really sorry about last night, and I need to make it better." Desperate.

Jane's use of her nickname sent a jolt of ice water into Maura's veins. She could barely hear Jane through the rushing in her ears. Her body buzzed like she'd taken a triple espresso on an empty stomach. She was forcefully reminded of why she had to be drunk around Jane now. She physiologically could not handle Jane anymore.

Get her out. She had to get her out. Maura spun on her heel and walked into the house. Jane didn't take the hint. She quickly let herself in, closed the door, and followed Maura into the kitchen.

"Maur, look, please, let me apologize. I overreacted last night. I know I did. I'm sorry, okay?" Not the best apology ever, but Maura's weird behavior had Jane all flustered.

Maura stood at the sink, hands gripping the counter. She kept her back to Jane. "Okay." Anything to get this over with, to get Jane out of her house. Anything to keep herself in check.

"Maura. Please." Jane was begging. It nearly broke Maura. "Please turn around and talk to me. Tell me what's going on. Please, Maur."

_Don't yield don't yield don't yield._ Maura had never been able to control herself around Jane. It was how Jane got in so far in the first place. It was how the loss of Jane was able to so completely derail her. Maura used to find it exciting. Now her lack of control was making Maura's hands shake. She needed a drink. She needed to take some schmuck to the bathroom and control him. She needed to be somewhere with air that wasn't so hard to breathe. She could not do this.

"Maura. You're scaring me. Please, Maur, I know I haven't been here, but I'm here now. Please." Jane walked up to Maura and placed a hand tentatively on Maura's arm.

Maura's entire body went rigid at Jane's touch. She felt her meager control over her body and her brain and her mouth stretched to the limit, like an old rubber band that has stretched so many times it is already past the point of no return.

"Maur, you're my best friend. I need you to talk to me."

Snap.

Control shattered, decorum shattered. Only anger, rage, fear, self-loathing, self-preservation, and a desperate all-consuming need for control remained in Maura, vying for dominance. She whirled around and Jane actually recoiled at the emotion in her face.

"You need? YOU need? You need me, Jane? Is that it? You need me to be here for you? Is that what you **need**, Jane?" Maura spat out the words, fists clenched at her sides, eyes flashing with pent-up everything.

Jane took a step backward.

Maura took a step forward.

"So now I'm your best friend again, because you need something from me?"

"Maur, you've always been my—"

"NO. Don't you…" Maura's voice broke on the explicative as she shouted. "Don't you fucking dare to tell me that I've always been your best friend, that you've always been here for me. Don't you fucking dare to barge into my house first thing in the morning and lie to my fucking face, Jane Rizzoli. Don't you fucking dare."

Jane's brain couldn't process. She was crying and she didn't know it. She was shaking and she couldn't stop. This couldn't be happening. Maura was supposed to forgive her. Jane was supposed to beg for a while longer and prove herself and then Maura was supposed to come around. Jane was stopped dumb by the sight of Maura's pain and fury. Jane was arrested by the tears beginning to overflow onto Maura's cheeks. Jane was absolutely paralyzed by Maura's word choice. All she could do was stand there, rooted to the ground, and watch as her best friend in the world started coming apart in front of her.

"You have been NOTHING to me, Jane. For months you have been nothing. You've been too busy fucking Casey to be anything to me. So how dare you insult me by telling me that you've always been here, that nothing's changed. Stop lying to me, Jane, and stop lying to yourself. Go back to your fucking boyfriend and leave me alone."

"Maura, please. I know that I haven't been here for you. I didn't mean to do it, I promise, it just happened."

That was the wrong thing to say. Jane hadn't thought Maura's face could have gotten any worse, but somehow it became both more angry and more heartbreakingly tragic.

"It just happened, Jane?" Maura advanced on her, shouting. "You think about me that little, that you could just completely abandon me and not even notice?"

"No! Maura, no! That's not what—"

Maura looked her directly in the eye. Jane felt like a rabbit caught in basilisk's gaze. Maura spoke quietly and carefully. "Fuck you, Jane." A beat. "I'm done with this. I'm done with you. I'm done with trying to deal with your bullshit. Please get out of my home."

Something happened inside of Jane. She finally saw through the fury and realized that sad-small-Maura was behind the scenes, controlling everything. Like seeing the Wizard behind the curtain, Jane saw the rage as the façade that it was. For the first of many times that day, Jane felt her heart break. She took a step towards Maura and reached out her hand.

"Maura," she said softly. "What happened? What are you doing? Why are you so sad?"

_No no no no no no no no. _Maura swatted her hand away."Don't. Don't pity me, Jane. Get out."

The detective in Jane gave itself a high-five. Sore spot, found. "Maura." Still soft. "Please. Talk to me. What's going on? What were you doing last night, sweetie?"

Maura absolutely shattered. She couldn't hear Jane call her "sweetie" like she was hurt and Jane was going to fix it. Like Jane loved her. Like Jane had any fucking clue. Jane would never love her. Jane would never heal her. She was too broken, too fucked up. Once Jane knew what she was really like, she'd be gone. Again.

Jane had to leave. Jane had to get out. This could not be prolonged another second. And the only way to get her out was to finally show her real Maura. Real horrible disgusting broken Maura. And then Jane would finally leave, forever, and Maura could start being alone again.

Jane started at the way the angry veil snapped back over sad-small-Maura.

"You want to know, Jane? You want to really know? Last night I was doing what I've done nearly every night for the last three months, Jane. I was alone, Jane, because you walked out on me. You replaced me with Casey. You replaced me like everyone else in the entire fucking world has replaced me. But you, Jane, God, you'd promised that you wouldn't. You promised me that you were different, that you'd always be there for me. And I—I fucking believed you. I knew better, I knew I shouldn't have believed you. But I did. And I let you in, and I let myself believe in what we had. And I forgot what it was like, to be abandoned. And then you fucking left. You left me, Jane, and then I remembered.

"I remembered why I never trusted anyone. Why I never believed anyone. Because this, Jane, this was worse than I'd imagined. You were everything, Jane, and then there was nothing. And you know what the worst part of it was, Jane? Every other time, I'd done something wrong. I hadn't been smart enough, or good enough, or sexy enough, or funny enough. I'd pushed them away or didn't try hard enough. But with you, Jane? With you I didn't do anything. I didn't do **anything**, Jane. I didn't deserve to be left. But you left me anyway. You fucking walked out on me and I didn't do anything."

"I will never let anyone do that to me again. I will never. I will never lose control over myself and my life like that again. So you want to know what I've been doing, Jane? I've been seizing control of my **life**. I gave you too much power over me and so I've been getting it back. I can't make you come around anymore, Jane, but you know what, there are plenty of people desperate to be around me. To come around me. So yeah, I was gonna fuck that guy last night. I've fucked a lot of guys, Jane. And you know what, I haven't always been safe and I haven't ever been sober, and most of the time it was terrible and some of the times it was too rough, but it was my choice. It was my fucking choice, Jane. I did it. I did it a lot. I own myself, Jane. You don't have any hold on me anymore."

"So that's 'what's happening,' Jane. That's what I've been doing while you've been boning Captain America. So now you can get the fuck out of my house." Maura spun back around and faced the sink again. Her pulse was racing and she was pretty sure she was going to vomit. Or pass out. She just waited for the sound of Jane's retreating footsteps, evidence of her inexorable revulsion, so that she could break down alone. Again.

Jane had never listened to anything more intently in her life. Not to a murder confession, not to Hoyt's description of how he was going to kill her. She filed away every sentence to be looked at later, especially the ones that screamed at her to take action. But right now, at this second, she was finally able to see past the words and see what Maura really needed. Maura needed her best friend. Not a lover, not a parent, not a friend who possibly had some confusing other feelings swirling around. Maura needed her best friend. Maura needed Jane to stay. Maura needed Jane to prove that she would stay.

"Maur." Jane put a hand on Maura's shoulder.

Maura spun back around. Tears were everywhere. "DON'T TOUCH ME. JUST GET OUT. JUST GET AWAY FROM ME." Her legs seemed to give out under her. She turned her back on Jane once again as she crumpled in the corner of the kitchen, huddled on her toes with her knees hugged in close to her chest. She wrapped her arms around herself and sobbed. "Just get out."

Jane's heart broke for the second time. She didn't touch Maura again. She put her back against the cabinets and slid down them, coming to rest on the floor next to Maura. She tucked her knees up to her own chest, and settled in for the long haul.

For the next half an hour, Maura cried uncontrollably into her knees. Jane sat next to her, hands carefully folded in her lap, and told Maura everything she could think of. In a soft and comforting voice, she told Maura about her softball game the last week. She talked about how hard it was to teach Jo Friday anything. She described the ways Stanley kept trying to screw her mother out of tips. She had an irrational fear that if she stopped speaking for even one second, Maura would think she was gone. So she barely even breathed as she spoke nonsense into the doctor's back.

Finally Maura's sobs subsided. She just crouched there, head hanging, breathing deep shuddering breaths. Jane started telling her the important things. She told Maura about how much she loved her. She told Maura that the last three months had been a huge mistake, possibly the worst in her life. She talked about how their friendship meant everything, and how she'd spend every day for the rest of forever proving that. She told Maura that no matter what Maura had done, and no matter what she was thinking, Jane wouldn't leave her again.

Maura's legs started to cramp and tremble under her. Very gently, Jane helped her rock back onto her bottom and lean against the counters. She didn't look up, but then again, Jane wasn't expecting her to.

"Maura, look. I know that I destroyed what we had together. I know that what we had was special and important and miraculous. I know that I took it for granted and I abused it. I know that I hurt you. I know that you blame me and hate me for what I did. I know that I deserve that. But I also know something else. I know that I am the most stubborn person I have ever met. And I know that you know that too. So I know that a part of you is going to believe me when I tell you that I will never give up on trying to make this right."

"I understand that you never want to speak to me or see me again. I understand that you're sure you'll never trust me again. But Maur, I swear to you that I'm going to be here. From now on, forever, I'm going to be here for you. I'm going to be the best friend you deserve. I'm going to prove to you that these last few months, they were the irregular thing. They were the mistake, the fuck-up. They weren't what's real for us. The real thing, Maur, is what came before and especially what comes now."

"Maur, if you don't want me inside the house with you, I'll be outside. Every morning I'll leave coffee and organic fruiffy yogurt on your desk. Every day at lunch I'll bring you kale, or kombucha, or whatever new thing rich people have decided is amazing for you even though it tastes super weird. And every night I'll make sure you have dinner and that you leave work at a reasonable time. And every single night I'll invite you over for Chinese food and a documentary about bird watching, or microbes, or whatever. Even if you never come, Maura, I'll invite you every night. And I'll run background checks on everyone you go out with, and I'll hate both of your mothers on principle and I'll do my best to keep my mother out of your hair. I don't know if unrequited best-friendship is a thing, but I'm making it a thing.

"Maur, I'm not going to leave you again. You're my best friend, and the most important person in my life. And that hasn't changed, and it won't change, no matter what you tell me or how much you yell at me. I love you Maur, and I know I fucked up, but I'm here now. And I'll be here. For the long haul, Maur, I'm here."

Maura had been listening. She didn't trust Jane, she couldn't. But she'd listened.

"Jane, I don't…" Her head fell back to her knees. She was so tired. She couldn't process anything anymore.

"Maur, I know you're exhausted. Why don't you go upstairs and take a long nap, okay? I'll be here when you wake up."

"No, Jane…" Jane could tell she was protesting for the principle of it, not because she wasn't about to fall on her face. No one, not even Maura Isles, could handle this much emotion before noon. Especially without coffee.

"Maura, sweetie, you're exhausted. Go on up, set an alarm for two hours from now, nap and shower. I'll have lunch ready when you're done, okay?"

"Please, don't."

"Maura." Jane found her eyes for the first time. She looked intently into them, channeling her commitment and presence into her gaze. "I know I abandoned you. I don't know how to make that right other than by being here. So Maur, if you think of something specific I can do to prove to you that I'm here again, just tell me what it is and I'll do it. I'll do anything. Whatever you want, I can do it. But until you figure out what that is, Maur, I'm just gonna be here. So go on and take a nap. I'll be here."

Maura didn't trust Jane. But she also didn't trust herself. A small voice had been growing in her head while she had tried to burrow into the kitchen floor. The voice was telling her that she shouldn't trust her own instincts. That she had completely lost her shit a while ago, and that she needed to dig herself out of this desperately destructive spiral she was in. That she needed to make a really serious change. And that she wanted to be with Jane so badly. That maybe she should, very very carefully, take hold of the lifeline that Jane had just placed in her open hand. That even though trust had been what destroyed her, it might be the only thing that could heal her.

But it was all too much. Maura slowly nodded to herself, to Jane, and to Bass, who'd watched the past hour unfold with an indifferent eye. She slowly peeled herself off the floor and, without looking at Jane, headed upstairs.


	13. Chapter 13

As soon as Maura went upstairs, Jane sprung into action. She cleaned the kitchen and took inventory of the fridge and pantry. She felt a deep ache in her chest at how little she found. The normally absurdly perfectly stocked kitchen was completely empty. Maura hadn't been eating. Jane found several batches of dirty sheets, towels, and clothes in the laundry room. Figuring that Maura, adorably, was unable to sleep on super dirty sheets, even if she wasn't capable of actually washing them, Jane smiled sadly as she loaded up the first of many loads of laundry. She ran out to the nearby Whole Foods and stocked up on all the organic crap that she knew Maura loved. Back at the house, she switched over the laundry and made lunch and a huge amount food to put in the fridge for later. She fed Bass and cleaned up his den.

She heard the shower turn on exactly two hours and five minutes after Maura had gone upstairs. Chuckling to herself, Jane headed upstairs to change Maura's sheets and get the dirty laundry from her room.

After knocking lightly, Jane stepped confidently into the room. And then froze. Jane had spent more time in this bedroom than she'd care to admit. It was always meticulous. It always smelled fresh and looked like an advertisement. But today, it was dark and smelled musty. Most of the bed was piled with clothes and magazines, except for a small sliver on the side where Maura slept. There were piles of clothes on the floor (precious perfect clothes!).

Jane did her best to wrap her mind around the block of guilt wedged in her torso. _I did this. I did this and I need to make it right_. She shook off her shock and went about gathering all the clothes and towels for the laundry. It was as she was stripping the bed that she had the worst shock yet.

She was leaning over to pull the sheets out from underneath the comforter when her foot hit something under the bed that made a soft _clink_. Jane leaned down and looked under the bed. Her heart broke for the third time. She found the booze stash.

With trembling hands, Jane pulled out three handles of vodka. Two were bone dry, and the third was nearly there. Jane pulled out nearly a dozen empty bottles of wine and a fifth of whisky. She did not find a single cup. The idea of Maura, of beautiful, strong, accomplished, perfect Maura swilling vodka from the bottle alone in bed made Jane nauseous. She blinked several times, trying to come to terms with what she'd found.

Finally, she gathered up all the bottles in one of the dirty sheets and carried them downstairs to the kitchen. She put them all on the counter, and then went back upstairs for the rest of the laundry. As she loaded the washer, she heard the shower turn off. She reached for her phone, made a quick call, and then returned to the kitchen to put the chicken salad chilling in the fridge onto plates for lunch.

Relatively quickly for a normal person, and in positively lightening speed for the fastidious Dr. Isles, Maura appeared downstairs. She was wearing old knee-length yoga pants and an old shirt of Jane's. When she'd come out of the shower, she found that nearly all of her clothing was gone. As she'd been studiously avoiding wearing any of Jane's clothes for a while, this was one of the only shirts still clean, and thus, still upstairs. Her hair was pulled back into a bun. She didn't even care that it would dry all cramped up.

Jane turned at the sound of Maura's bare footstep. She didn't mention the shirt, but the weight of the guilt in her chest felt a tiny bit lighter. "Hey. Lunch is ready. How was your nap?"

Maura said nothing. She had a serious deer in the headlights thing going on. Jane followed her gaze to the display of bottles on the counter. Maura hadn't meant for Jane to find those. She was frozen.

"Oh, yeah. I found those." Jane caught Maura's eyes and held them. "Never again, Maura. Okay?"

Maura nodded.

"Okay. Come grab a plate. I'll get you some water."

That was it. Just "never again." It was all they needed, really. No more tears, no more explanations, no more pushing away. Just "never again."

Lunch was relatively quiet. Jane talked about Bass and Korsak a bit, but they mostly just chewed. "Where did you get this?" Maura finally asked, gesturing to the food.

"I went to the store. You were running a bit low on essentials."

They both let the exaggeration go. Never again.

As soon as they finished, Jane cleared their plates. She checked her watch, then went to the hallway and came back with shoes and coats for both of them.

"Are we going somewhere?"

"Yeah." Jane grabbed her keys and shepherded Maura towards the door. "I made an appointment at the women's clinic. We're going to get you tested for STDs. Come on, the appointment is in half an hour."

Maura was in shock. She didn't know what to say, so as she let Jane sweep her out the door, she went with her standard fallback: scientific precision. "STIs."

"What?"

"STD is an antiquated term. They are called STIs now. Infection, rather than diseases."

"Good to know."

"Jane, we don't have to—"

Jane stopped in front of the car, and turned around to look Maura in the face. She was dead serious. "Yes, Maur, we do have to. You just told me that you've had sex with an unnumbered amount of men in bathrooms over the last three months, and that, to quote you, you 'haven't always been safe.' You can't honestly expect me to hear that and NOT take that seriously, Maur. I took everything that you said today seriously, believe me. First we're dealing with the physical stuff, Maur, and then we'll talk about the other stuff, okay? First things first, no more under-the-bed vodka, and second things second: STI testing. Come on, we don't wanna be late."

She opened the door for her shell-shocked companion, who meekly slid into the car and put on her seatbelt.

* * *

A couple hours and few stops later (Jane's apartment, the dry cleaners to drop off most of Maura's closet, and the store to pick up a few things Jane forgot the first time) they returned to Maura's house. Maura called for Chinese food while Jane showered. When the food came, Jane proposed that they eat it on the couch while they watched a movie, like real heathens. Maura put up a fight, but they both knew it was just for show.

Maura had felt like a sleepwalker ever since she'd yelled everything at Jane. She honestly could not believe Jane was still there. It had never crossed her mind as even a remote possibility that Jane would stick around after she knew the truth. She was unprepared for this possibility. She was unprepared for how nice it was to be around Jane. She'd forgotten how easy it was to let herself go and just be with Jane. She'd forgotten why it was that she'd given Jane her trust in the first place.

She was wary, to say the least. But she was also weary. She was weary of being so sad and angry all of the time. She was weary of fighting her desire for Jane's friendship. She was weary of telling herself that she didn't want to be around Jane, when she so clearly did. She was weary of using booze and sexual control to fill the Jane-shaped hole in her life. She was weary of lying to herself, of denying what she wanted. She was worried that Jane was going to have a pretty easy time of breaching her defenses. The idea terrified her. But it also gave her a tiny pleasant sensation. She had forgotten what it felt like to be wanted, not just for her tits and her mouth, but for herself as a person who could provide enjoyable company. If she ever let it again, it would be a very heady feeling.

But sleepwalking was dangerous. Maura had learned during Secret Sex Panic that she needed just as much control in her personal life as she did in her professional life, which was a lot. Sleepwalking was passive. Maura could no longer be passively swept along by Jane's desires, no matter how well intentioned they were.

She reached over and plucked the remote out of Jane's hand. Jane was surprised – Maura hadn't shown initiative for anything all afternoon.

"There is this movie that I've been wanting to watch. I recorded it a while ago. I thought you'd like it. I never brought myself to delete it. Is that okay?"

Jane braced herself for the first of hopefully many very boring movies on Maura's couch. "Yeah, Maur, of course!"

She pressed play. A few seconds in, Jane laughed out loud. Maura looked over at her, puzzled. "Maur, seriously? You want to watch _Angels in the Outfield_?"

A flash of fear.

"No no no, Maur, I love this movie! I just thought it was going to be a documentary! No, sweetie, this is the best movie ever. You're going to love it."

A flash of gratitude. Jane handed Maura her food and they settled back to watch.

* * *

As the credits rolled, Jane looked over at Maura. She had her eyes closed with her head leaning on the back of the couch. Jane debated if she should wake her up or let her spend the night on the couch.

"I'm not asleep."

Jane chuckled.

"I was just thinking." She kept her eyes closed as she spoke. "You and I, the way we were…reminds me of the kids in the movie. They don't seem like a good pair, but Roger was so protective of J.P. He knew just what J.P. wanted, even when he was too scared to speak."

"We're still like that, Maura. I'm gonna be here for you, okay?"

Maura said nothing. It wasn't a hostile silence. She just seemed to be slowly absorbing everything that was happening. That Jane was still here. She felt Jane rise from the couch. She felt a pang of loneliness, but it went away as soon as she felt a warm blanket surround her. She opened her eyes to find Jane leaning over her, tucking the edges of the blanket in around her sides.

"You looked cold."

"Thank you." Maura had forgotten what it felt like to have Jane Rizzoli taking care of you. It felt pretty fantastic.

After a few moments. "Hey Maur? Can I ask you a question?"

"That was already a question."

The first eye-roll of Rizzoli and Isles 2.0. "Can I ask you another question after this one?"

The first ghost of an indulgent smile. "Yes."

"I understand that you felt really lonely and abandoned when I wasn't with you. But why did you compensate for that by having sex? I mean, why didn't you go and try to make new friends, or something? Why sex?"

Maura considered for a minute. "Do you really want to know?"

"Yes." Immediate.

Maura shifted slightly, turning her upper body to face Jane and tucking a leg underneath her. "Secret Sex Panic was about control and being wanted."

"Wait a second. What now?"

"Oh. In my head, I referred to my actions as 'Secret Sex Panic.'"

"For real?"

"Well, what other name should I have used?"

"Um, it's not the name itself, Maur. It's the fact that you named it."

"It made it easier to compartmentalize. First I had work from 8am to 7pm, then I had Secret Sex Panic from 10pm to 2am. It was an activity, not an identity."

"Wow. Maura Isles in breakdown is more introspective than anyone else at their peak."

"Is that a good thing?"

"I have no idea."

"How encouraging."

"Sorry. Keep going."

"As I was saying, Secret Sex Panic, or whatever you'd like to call it, Jane, was my way of asserting control. It was my way of showing that even if you didn't want to be with me, other people did." Maura was finding complete honesty to be much more refreshing than she had expected. "And the truth of the matter is, other people don't want to be my friends. If I could have found a new friend every night with the ease with which I found a new sexual partner, I would have done it. But, quite frankly, while I am quite accomplished at getting men to take their pants off for me, I have absolutely no idea how to make a friend. You're the only one I've ever had, and you just sort of happened. Sex, I am capable of and in control of. Friendship remains an unintelligible mystery to me."

Heartbreak number four. "I'm sorry, Maur."

She brushed it off. "And, incidentally, sex may not be an accurate term. I am aware in common parlance, the word 'sex' can connote oral, anal, digital, and vaginal sexual encounters."

"Ew, Maur, really?"

"However, I only engaged in oral sex with these gentlemen."

"Gentlemen?" The first eyebrow raise.

"An excellent point. What would you have me call them?"

"Future dead bodies."

"Jane!"

"Fine. Rando creepers."

"Alright. I engaged only in oral sex with the rando creepers." Maura's careful enunciation of that term was something Jane cherished for years to come. "I don't know if that is correctly identified as 'sex.'"

"Can I ask why? Why only oral?"

"Once again, for control, mostly. It is much easier to control another's arousal than my own. Also, it seemed very unlikely that any of them would be capable of bringing me to orgasm anyway, so why waste the time. They weren't exactly the cream of the crop, on average."

"How…efficient of you."

"Thank you, Jane."

Soon after, they threw away the take-out containers in the kitchen. Jane asserted that she would be staying in the guest room so that she could make breakfast in the morning. Maura didn't protest. She grabbed both of their phones off the corner of the counter and walked towards the stairs. Jane's buzzed in her hand. She glanced at it reflexively. Call from Casey. Multiple unread texts from Casey.

One-two punch to the gut.

"You're ringing." She said flatly, handing the phone back to Jane.

Jane glanced at it. "Whatever. I'm tired." She pocketed the phone and gently pushed Maura up the stairs. "Up we go, doctor."


	14. Chapter 14

The next two weeks passed in a completely unexpected way for both women. Jane was serious about her promise to be there for Maura 24/7. She invited the doctor to go see a movie, get a drink (or three), watch the game with the family, or just hang out every single night. Maura surprised herself by saying yes every single night.

Jane had never worked so hard at being friend. It wasn't that being with Maura was onerous or unpleasant – actually, it was the opposite. Jane was having a truly great time with Maura. But in the past, their friendship had been something that just happened. Everything just fell into place. And, she supposed, out of place as well. This new friendship, this Rizzoli and Isles 2.0, was crafted, intentional, thoughtful. Jane was constantly worried about messing up. Maura generally acquiesced to anything Jane suggested, but if she ever seemed even the least bit hesitant with the plans Jane had made, Jane immediately folded. Jane recognized that she was treating Maura like she was fragile, like Jane could break her again with one wrong look. But she was too scared to stop.

Jane realized that her care for Maura was bordering on the obsessive. Jane noticed herself missing Maura between lunch at the café together and drinks at the Robber after work. Jane noticed herself unable to stop thinking about how Maura was doing, and found herself repeatedly doing the most ridiculous things to cheer her up whenever she seemed the slightest bit sad. (Yoga! Shopping! Hair things! A literal dead-bug convention!) _This is what being a good best friend feels like_, Jane counseled herself. _You were just doing a bad job before. This is what you should have been feeling all along!_

Maura was terrified of Jane. Maura was terrified of herself. She had no idea how to deal with what was happening. When she was with Jane, everything was easy. It was so easy to laugh, to relax, to kick off her heels and just be. She knew it was a trap, but it was the most comforting, safe, and purely delightful trap in the world. In the hours alone in the morgue, or in the middle of night, Maura questioned what the hell she was doing. How on earth could she be letting Jane back in? Jane who had abandoned her? Jane who had broken her?

How could she be letting herself get this close again? How was she supposed to control herself when Jane did such completely lovable things, like trying to tickle Bass or humming "Yankee Doodle Dandy" whenever she made coffee? She tried to bury her love for Jane down in the recesses of her being, and most of the time it worked. But then Jane would do something irresistible, like wrinkle her nose, or fall asleep on the couch, or smile at Maura across the bullpen, and the love would overwhelm Maura completely.

Pushing Jane away hadn't worked. Seeing other people hadn't helped. Having Jane see other people certainly hadn't. The only options were to leave and never see Jane again or gird herself and try to appreciate every wrinkle, every nap, every smile that she could get. She kept halfheartedly goading herself into considering the first option, but the second was already a foregone conclusion.

Neither of them mentioned Casey. Maura was pretty sure Jane hadn't spent a single night with him in the past two weeks. It felt like a friendship honeymoon. Just the two of them, camping out in happiness, away from everything divisive and painful.

People killed each other, Maura found evidence, Jane found clues, Maura was scientific and Jane was powerful and they closed cases. They were finally back on track. But they both knew it had to come to an end.

* * *

On Saturday afternoon, two weeks and one day after Jane found Maura in the bathroom at the Robber, Maura wrapped her heart up in bubble wrap and asserted herself. They were sitting in Maura's living room. Sports Center was on mute on the big screen, and each was working on her laptop. Every once in a while, Jane would mutter at the TV or ask Maura for an opinion about the case. Maura was quiet, just soaking up the feeling of having Jane to herself before she ended their honeymoon.

"Jane?"

Absentmindedly. "Yeah, Maur?"

"You should make plans with Casey tonight."

Jane looked up from her computer, flummoxed. "What?"

"You should make plans with Casey tonight."

"No, I heard you. I meant, why?"

"Because I am going out on my own tonight."

"Again, why?" Jane was confused. Then panicked. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No, Jane, no. You didn't do anything wrong. I just need to go out by myself tonight."

"Maur, I thought you said Secret Sex Panic was over!" Jane was ready to lock her in the house.

"Of course it's over. I am not using 'go out by myself' as a euphemism for sexual activity, Jane. You know I don't do that."

"Sexual activity?"

"Euphemisms."

Jane snorted. "Maura, come on. Talk to me. What's going on?"

Maura sighed. "Jane, you've spent every single night and day off for the past two weeks with me." At the look on Jane's face, Maura rushed to qualify how emotionless that sounded. "And it's been wonderful, Jane. I've been…I've been really happy with you." She finished quietly, looking at her hands resting lightly on her keyboard. "But this isn't real life, Jane. This, I don't know what to call it. This retreat from life isn't sustainable. It's not real. We need to go back to our real lives."

"Maura, I don't get it. This is real life."

"I mean…I don't, I don't know why this is so hard for me to explain." Maura looked up at Jane. "I'm finding my words to be more cumbersome than I had anticipated."

"It's okay, Maur. Just tell me what's going on."

Brutal honestly seemed like the best course. "I need to know if I can be by myself. I mean, without you. I need to know if I'll be okay without you, Jane." Her eyes flicked up. Jane was really still. She resolutely continued. "I've been leaning on you a lot lately, and while I really appreciate the way you've held me up, I need to stop depending on you so much. As we learned from the last few months, dependency isn't a really good look on me. I need to remind myself that I can be independent. That I can go out and be without you and it will be okay. And, um…" Her voice got stuck in her throat. This last part was the worst part.

"What, Maur?" Her voice was so soft and, if it were anyone else, Maura would have called it loving.

"I need to know that I'll be okay when you're with Casey."

"Maura." Definitely almost loving. A little pitying. Certainly affectionate. Soft and husky. _God, stop_.

"I know, intellectually, that you spending time with Casey doesn't mean that you're abandoning me again."

Jane nodded firmly. As firmly and quickly as she could.

"But, recently, I have realized that my emotional reactions can quite overwhelm my intellectual ones. So I need to be alone tonight, Jane, and I need you to make plans with Casey. I hypothesize that my intellectual control has returned, but they only way to know for sure is to start conducting tests."

"Ah, so I'm a data point, then." Jane said, trying to bring some levity back into the room.

"Precisely."

"Okay, Maur. If that's really what you want. But, just, be careful, okay?"

"I will Jane. No sex, no excessive or alone drinking, nothing bad, okay?"

"Okay. And please call me if you need me, okay?"

"I'm a big girl, Jane."

"And I'm a stubborn girl with a gun, Maura. Text me while you're out, and call me when you get home, and call if you need me. Okay?"

"Is that a request or a demand?"

"A request. With the full weight of the Boston police department behind it."

Maura chuckled. "Okay, Jane."

Jane tried very hard not to think about why her pulse was racing, or why the idea of spending a night away from Maura was making her so anxious.

* * *

Jane was having an awkward night. She hadn't seen Casey at all for two weeks, and had barely seen him for the few before that. She knew he'd been waiting for her. She knew his patience was running out. She knew she should be thrilled to get to see her boyfriend after so long. But she wasn't thrilled.

She was, to be honest, bored.

Casey wanted to have sex the second she got in the door. Jane couldn't have been less interested. I mean, sex was nice and all, but she wasn't really in the mood. She didn't blame him for wanting it, but that didn't stop her from turning on the TV and inquiring about take out instead.

So they watched TV. Despite the fact that it was exactly what she'd been doing with Maura just a few hours ago, Jane wasn't into it. Everything just felt a little off. Casey noticed. He kept trying to touch her. Like a boyfriend might. He tried to hold her hand, put his arm around her, kiss her. She brushed him off every time.

Finally, she caved to the tension and texted Maura.

Three times.

Whoops.

_Did I leave my jacket at your house?_

_I know you're having your alone time, but just wanted to make sure you're doing okay_

_Maur, your silence is not exactly helping matters over here_

Finally, Maura responded. Jane grinned at how long it was.

_Jane, please desist from worrying. Firstly, you did not leave your jacket at my house. You were not wearing a jacket today. And I saw that text for the ruse it was, which is why I neglected to answer it. Secondly, I am doing well. "Doing okay" is not the proper form of speech. Honestly, Jane. Thirdly, texting is, by definition, a silent medium._

_Thank you for checking in. I'm fine. I mean it._

Jane shot off a quick reply—_glad u r doing o k_—just to make Maura steam. Then, fun over, she sighed and put the phone back on the coffee table. She leaned back and met Casey's eyes.

He was pissed.

Whoops.

"Have you quite finished?"

"Yeah, sorry."

"What was so important?"

"Nothing. I mean, it was just Maura."

His jaw tightened. "So first she keeps you away from me for the better part of a month, and now, on the first night you've been here with me, she keeps texting you? What is she, obsessed with you?"

"Casey, come on. She's been having a rough time. I just wanted to check in on her."

"She's a big girl, Jane. I'm sure she's fine."

"Yeah, she said she was."

"Good. Now come here. I haven't contracted leprosy while you've been gone, Jane."

Jane looked at him, puzzled.

"I know you're not a big cuddler, Jane, but you could at least touch me."

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry." Jane slowly scooted over to his side of the couch and let him put his arm around her.

An awkward thirty minutes later, the game was wrapping up and Casey had decided the way to her heart was to trail his nails very softly along her arm, back and forth. Jane hated it. She knew other girls liked it (_would Maura like it? Shut up whatever it doesn't matter it was just a question shut UP_). It tickled and made her skin prickle and, for some reason, made her feel super anxious. She was about to shift away from it when her phone buzzed.

"Ignore it."

But Jane had already leaned forward and grabbed it. It buzzed a second time before she could read the first text. The second her brain processed the message she was off the couch like a shot.

_Come get me. Now._

_Please hurry._


	15. Chapter 15

_Come get me. Now._

_Please hurry._

Jane threw on her shoes and grabbed her keys, wallet, badge and gun off the table.

"Jane, what the hell? Where are you going?"

"I gotta go. Maura needs me to get her."

"Jane. Stop. You can't leave. You just got here."

"Casey, I'm sorry but I have to go—" Jane didn't bother to finish the thought. As soon as her shoes and gear were on, she was out the door, leaving a fuming and befuddled Casey alone in his apartment. Again.

* * *

Jane burst into the bar less than 5 minutes later. God bless that siren, and God bless her insistence that Maura tell her what bar she was heading to earlier in the day. Jane did a quick scan of the room and didn't see the blonde head she was looking for. She strode up to the bar, waved her badge at the bartender, and showed him a picture of Maura on her phone. (Yes, it was her background picture. So what. That's not weird.)

"Her. The blonde. Where is she?"

"Uh, bathroom, I think."

Jane turned to run towards the back.

"Hey, wait. I, um, I think she's busy?"

Jane gave him her best perp state.

He gulped. "She went back there with…someone."

His eyes widened comically when the stare got more intense.

Jane leaned in. "Listen up. You see the guy who she went in there with, you keep him here, you understand? You don't let him leave until I say so. Police business. Got it?"

He nodded, clearly about to crap his pants.

Jane practically ran to the bathroom.

The déjà vu was overwhelming. Here she was, once again, about to storm into a bathroom stall and face Maura doing who-knows-what. This time would be different. She knew it would be. It had to be. She trusted Maura. She trusted Maura.

She pushed the door open, one hand on her holstered gun.

"Maura?" Her loud and commanding cop voice rang out. When her eyes adjusted to the weird bathroom lights, she saw a huge hulking guy standing in the middle of the room. Cowering and leaning as far away from him as she could, her wrists held fast in his grip, was Maura.

Fucking déjà vu. Jane's gun was out in a second. "Boston Police. Let her go, right now."

He was smarter than he looked. He dropped Maura's wrists immediately. Without prompting, Maura quickly stepped away from him and moved to stand behind Jane, placing one of her hands on Jane's waist and the other on her mid-back. She collected herself, breathing in Jane's scent and feeling her lungs expanding and contracting under her hand.

Now that Maura was safe, because, honestly, there would never be a safer place for Maura than behind a protective Jane, Jane's fury came out.

"Hands on your motherfucking head."

Maura had never heard a human snarl like that before.

The dude was slow to react. Maura didn't blame him. This was a startling turn of events even for her, and she'd been the one to request back-up.

Jane blamed him. "HANDS ON YOUR HEAD OR I WILL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT."

He put his hands on his head.

"ON YOUR KNEES." Maura cringed behind her, her fingers gripping the fabric of Jane's blazer.

The huge dude dropped to his knees. He gave Maura a look at Jane's words. A knowing look. Something clicked into place for Jane.

Without taking her eyes off the guy, Jane asked in a steady voice: "Maura. Is this one of the guys."

Maura said nothing. She wouldn't lie to Jane, but she wanted to protect her friend. Silence seemed good. But fleeting.

"Maura. Is he one of the guys."

Maura dropped her head onto Jane's back. She slowly nodded it up and down.

Jane nodded. She advanced on the guy, getting as close as she could without putting him in grabbing distance of the gun. Maura followed her step for step. "Jane."

"Were you drunk."

"Yes."

"Was he too rough with you." She kept asking questions with her syntax, but not with her inflection. She had no inflection whatsoever.

Softly, into Jane's shoulders. "Yes."

_Click_. Maura immediately recognized the sound of the safety clicking off. She quickly slid around Jane, coming to stand between her and the hulk on the ground.

Déjà vu.

"Maura, move." Serious.

"Jane, you cannot shoot him." Measured.

"Why not." Growled.

"Because of the paperwork." Practical.

That got her attention. "What?"

"Jane, think about the paperwork. If you shoot this man in this bathroom, even if you don't kill him, you'll have weeks of paperwork. You'll be put on judicial review, you'll have countless interviews with Internal Affairs, you'll have to see a shrink for months before you get clearance to go back to work. If they ever clear you. And that whole time, even if you manage to get your job back, you'll be doing paperwork. Desk duty. You'll be confined to a desk, near your mother, while the boys and I run around checking crime scenes and catching perpetrators. He's not worth that, Jane. He's not worth desk duty. He's not worth the paperwork. He's not worth anything."

Jane was silent. It was a persuasive argument. But the lion in her chest wasn't quite done roaring for blood.

"Jane."

Maura reached out a finger and guided Jane's face so they were looking eye to eye. "Take me home."

Jane took a breath. Possibly her first since the text messages. She shuddered.

"Okay, Maur. Wait for me outside."

"Jane." Warning.

"I'm not going to shoot him, Maur. Wait for me at the bar."

Maura understood. She knew that Jane didn't want her to see what came next. Matter of fact, she didn't want to see what came next either. She took the gun out of Jane's hands, squeezed the detective's arm, and walked with it out of the bathroom.

The hulk shifted on the floor. Jane knew his knees had to be killing him. She reveled in it and in the look of abject terror in his eyes now that there were no witnesses. He cowered back from her as she advanced on him, looming into his space.

"Oh, don't worry, buddy. I'm not going to hit you. I just wanna tell you something. You messed with the wrong people. I know what you did to her before. And I know what you were trying to do tonight. And let me tell you something. You fucked up big time, buddy. That woman, she's powerful. She's got the governor on speed dial. But you're out of luck, pal. She didn't call the governor tonight. She called me. So now I get the pleasure of looking you in the face and telling you that if you ever come near her again, if you ever think about her again, if you so much as pass a restaurant she's in, I will personally kill you. I'll kill you with my bare hands." She smiled at him. "No bullet, no paperwork. We clear?"

He nodded, terrified.

She nodded. She calmly took one step back, kicked him as hard as she could in his groin, and strode out of the bathroom, the lion in her chest purring contently.

* * *

Maura was standing outside the bar, her head cocked. "What did you do to him?"

"Nothing," Jane said lightly, hands in her pockets.

"Jane."

"I told him that if he came near you again I'd kill him with my bare hands because then there wouldn't be paperwork." She couldn't help but grin cheekily.

Maura raised an eyebrow, shocked. "He believed that?"

Jane was offended. "What? That I'd kill him with my bare hands?"

Maura snorted. "No, that there wouldn't be paperwork. What an idiot."

Jane chuckled. "Your car or mine?"

"Jane, I know I asked you to take me home, but I'd forgotten that you were on your date. You should go back. I'm fine."

"No, Maur, come on. It wasn't a date. I want to take you home."

"Jane." Firm. "Go back to Casey. I'm fine. He didn't hurt me. I'm not afraid. This was supposed to be my night alone. I'm fine. Go."

Jane hesitated. Then something shifted in her eyes. Before Maura could ask what it was, Jane gathered her up in a hug. "I'm really glad you're okay."

Maura wrapped her arms around her friend, just taking her in. "Thank you."

* * *

An hour later, a freshly showered Maura was filling Bass in on all the details of the night when a knock on her door rang out. As it was now nearing midnight, it could only be danger or a Rizzoli. Maura cautiously made her way to the door, and swung it open with a frown when she found her favorite Rizzoli standing on her porch.

"Jane. This is supposed to be our night apart. What are you doing here?"

"I know, Maur. I know you want to be alone tonight. But I—" Jane twisted her hands. "I need to be with you right now. I broke up with Casey."

Maura pulled Jane inside, closed the door, and hugged her friend quickly.

"One second, one second!" Hurriedly, she locked the door, set the alarm, led Jane over to the couch, kicked off her flats, tucked her feet up underneath her, and opened her arms for Jane. "Come here, sweetie."

Jane folded into Maura. She closed her eyes and just let herself be held. Maura's preparations to make everything ready for optimal comfort cuddling was the most endearing thing Jane had ever seen.

It was all so clear. Maura's arms around her were so safe. Maura's hands in her hair used just the right amount of pressure and just the right amount of scratch. Maura's kisses on her head made her feel so loved and so soft and so taken care of without making her feel weak. Jane had always tried not to compare Maura with Casey, but now she wished that she had. Because the comparison was so clear. Maybe she could have avoided all this. Maura was like, a bajillion times better than Casey.

"I'm so sorry Jay."

"Don't be. It was the right thing to do." Jane pushed herself off Maura enough to look her in the eye. "That's the only reason I let you come home alone just now, Maur. I knew I wanted to break up with him, but I owed it to him to do it in person. And I knew I needed to be here, with you, tonight, so I had to get it over with. I hope you're not mad at me."

Maura smiled at her, softly. Jane couldn't handle the amount of affection in her eyes. "No, Jay. I'm not mad. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Surprisingly, I am. I just, I don't know. He just wasn't worth the time anymore. The job is so much, and my family, and you…I don't have a lot of time. And he just…this is gonna sound super harsh, but he just felt like a waste of it."

"He's always been a waste of your time."

Jane's eyebrows shot up.

"I apologize. Should I have waited until next week to say that? I've never quite grasped that social rule."

"No, it's okay. You can tell me what you really think whenever you think it, Maur."

"Well then. He's always been a waste of your time. He's never been good enough for you or treated you well enough. You deserve everything, Jane, and he barely gave you anything. You can, and you should, do better."

"Thanks, Maur."

After a moments of quiet cuddling, Maura shifted slightly. "Want to go upstairs?"

"Yeah."

* * *

Lying in bed with Maura felt so right. But it wasn't until the comforters were pulled up and the lights were off that Jane froze in a panic.

"Oh my god, Maura, I totally forgot. I'm such a bad friend." She threw the comforter off and started to swing her legs out of bed.

Maura grabbed her arm to hold her where she was. The light flicked on. "Explain." She squinted as her pupils rapidly contracted.

Jane tried to get out of bed again. "You asked me for a night away from me, and what do I do? Climb right into bed with you. I'm sorry, Maur. I know this isn't the night you imagined, but the least I could do is let you sleep alone."

Maura sat up, not letting go of Jane's arm. "Jane, stop. Just, stop, okay? Listen to me. This is a friendship, Jane."

"A best friendship." Jane hurriedly put in.

Maura smiled. "A best friendship. Not a caretaking relationship. A real, solid, best friendship predicated on mutual give-and-take, on mutual respect. And that requires compromise. I know that you've been catering to me, afraid of rejecting me or hurting me, afraid I'll revert to how I was before. And I love you for how much care you've shown me, but Jane? That has to stop. Now. I need you to treat me like your equal again, alright? I want us to be equals again. Like we used to be. Not like I'm going to break if we watch the Red Sox when I wanted to play scrabble, okay?"

Jane nodded. She really hated scrabble. Especially against Maura. It was worse than playing against a dictionary.

"Good. And part of being equals is that sometimes I'll want to be alone and you'll want company. And so we'll compromise. Some of those times we'll be apart and some of them we'll be together. Tonight you needed me. That overrides everything else. Okay?"

Another nod.

"Good. Now lay down. I'm tired."

After the light clicked off again, Jane gently pulled Maura into her. "Is this okay?"

Maura nodded against her chest.

A few minutes later, when she was sure Maura was asleep, very softly, Jane said the words she'd been holding onto for hours. "I was so scared."

"I wasn't."

"What?"

"I wasn't scared. I knew you'd come get me."

Jane smiled into her hair. She dropped a quick kiss on Maura's head.

"G'night, Maur."

"Goodnight, Jay."


	16. Chapter 16

Maura's phone rang just as she was getting ready to put her finishing touches on her latest paper for a top medical journal. She was sitting up in bed with her laptop resting on a pillow on her knees.

"Isles."

"THERE WAS A BUG ON ME."

Maura laughed. "Jane?"

"OH MY GOD, IT WAS SO GROSS. IT WAS ON ME, MAUR."

Maura cracked up.

"IT WAS ON MY BACK, MAURA. IN MY BED. IT WAS IN MY BED. ON MY BACK."

Maura couldn't stop laughing, but she tried to throttle it down to a chuckle.

"WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING. OH MY GOD. IT WAS SO GROSS."

Through her chuckles, Maura managed: "I'm sorry, Jay! Are you okay?"

"NO, MAURA. THERE WAS A GIANT BUG IN MY BED. WITH LIKE, A THOUSAND LEGS."

Maura just could picture Jane flapping her hands in exasperation. The mental image was enough to set her loose again. Her laughter rang through the phone.

"MAURA. IT WAS SO GROSS. I'M NOT WEARING A SHIRT. IT WAS ON MY BARE BACK. IT WAS ITCHY AND I SCRATCHED AND THEN I TURNED ON THE LIGHT AND SAW IT WAS A GIANT BUG. OH MY GOD IT WAS SO GROSS AND AWFUL."

"Oh, Jay."

"I'M COMPLETELY UNWILLING TO GET BACK IN THIS BED. WHAT IF THERE ARE MORE?"

Maura just laughed.

"MAURA."

"I'm sorry, Jay! It's funny!"

"IT'S SO GROSS, MAUR."

Suddenly Jane's words sank in and a new image popped into Maura's mind. She immediately stopped laughing, too taken with the new picture in her mind. "Wait, Jay, why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

"IT'S SUPER HOT IN HERE, MAURA."

Maura smiled slyly. "Maybe the bug was just trying to cop a feel."

"EW, OH MY GOD."

The image of a topless Jane totally freaking out about a bug cracked Maura up again.

"Jay, I had no idea you were afraid of bugs."

"I'm not afraid of bugs! I'm just grossed out by things with a million legs crawling on my NAKED BACK while I'm SLEEPING. In my BED, Maura. MY BED. THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SACRED SPACE. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU ASSHOLE BUG? SACRED."

"You tell him, sweetie."

"Do you think it's safe to get back in there?"

Maura could just picture Jane eyeing her bed with her best perp stare. She just laughed again.

"Okay, but if its brother comes out, I'm burning the entire bed and moving into the precinct. Deal?"

"Deal. That sounds like a completely justified reaction."

"Good. Goodnight, Maur."

Still laughing, "Goodnight, Jay. Stay safe."

Jane snorted, and hung up.

* * *

Ever since Jane broke up with Casey, Maura and Jane had been pretty much inseparable. They spent nearly every evening together, sometimes with other people and sometimes alone. They ate lunch together every day at the station, and they texted during the day. Their work was phenomenal, and everyone around them finally relaxed. Jane made it known that she'd broken up with Casey, and everyone (including her mother!) made it clear that they hadn't been fans of the relationship.

Jane was pretty confused. She was so happy. She really really liked being with Maura. She didn't know what that meant. She knew that she was becoming physically attracted to Maura, but she could reason that away, because Maura was both incredibly hot and incredibly beautiful, and that was just an objective fact. She knew that she was more emotionally attached to Maura than to anyone else in her life. She knew that physical contact with Maura was an integral part of her day. Jane wasn't completely dumb. She knew that if she felt these things for a boy, she'd date him. But this wasn't a boy, and it wasn't a stranger, and no matter how much Maura said she was doing okay, Jane was terrified of breaking her again by expressing her confusion.

She decided to enjoy her friendship as much as she could. To bicker, to cuddle, to sleepover when it got late. And to do her best to put a lid back over everything else until her feelings either went away or something happened.

* * *

"Jane, I swear to God, I will kill you if you don't put that down right now."

Jane looked up, holding the head of cauliflower she'd been throwing up and down, seeing how close to the ceiling she could get it. "Is there a problem here, Maur?"

"Give that to me."

"To do what with it?"

"Cook it, Jane. It's food."

"It is certainly not food."

"It's cauliflower."

"Exactly."

Maura rolled her eyes. "Jane."

Jane laughed, throwing her head back. "It's too easy, Maur," she said, handing over the cauliflower.

"Really, Jane. You can be so immature." Maura turned back to the counter to hide her smile.

Jane saw it. "Don't even try to lie, Dr. Isles. You know that was most the fun anyone has ever had with cauliflower in the history of human civilization."

Maura glossed over the historical inaccuracy, knowing Jane was just trying to get another rise out of her. "You're going to like what I'm making, Jane. It's a puree. It'll taste just like mashed potatoes. You won't even notice the difference."

"Oh, I'll notice the difference."

Maura turned around, eyebrow up in the air. "Do you have any evidence to support that conclusion, Jane?"

"Do you?"

Maura's face fell slightly.

Jane grinned.

Maura turned her back and resumed cutting up the offending vegetable. "What if I pair it with a seasonal craft beer?"

Jane reached for her phone that was buzzing the tenth text of the day from her mother. "How about we drink the beer and forget the cauliflower?"

She never saw the chunk of cauliflower that whizzed across the kitchen with deadly accuracy and hit her square on the nose.

* * *

Maura joined a bowling league. She told Jane that it was important to her to start crafting her own social life, separate from Jane. Jane was a little jealous of the time Maura spent away from her, but she understood how scared Maura was of being completely dependent on her. And besides, Jane had her softball team, Frost and Korsak, and her family around. She knew Maura didn't have anyone that wasn't also attached to Jane.

What Maura didn't tell Jane was that it was a gay bowling league. More specifically, it was for LGBTQQIA women. Maura didn't feel like she was a different person just because she was in love with a woman, but she knew that queer subcultures were very important to many women who loved women, and she wanted to giver herself the opportunity to explore this potential new aspect of her identity.

She obviously couldn't tell Jane that it was a queer league, because then (aside from explaining queerness) she'd have to tell Jane why was feeling rather pansexual herself, and how would that conversation go? _Jane, your body is so sexy that it short-circuited my heterosexuality?_ So she just told Jane it was a female bowling league and banned Jane from coming with her.

So far, it had been going quite well. Maura was not a great bowler, but her knowledge of physics was certainly a boon. None of the women were doctors or law enforcement, so Maura was forced to talk about non-work things. All of the women were friendly, and Maura found herself forming tentative friendships much more easily than she'd expected to.

The Ellen and Portias, as her team was called, found Maura to be quite strange in a very endearing way. One woman in particular, a lithe femme with light blonde hair named Lila took Maura under her wing, easing her way with some of the more aggressive (or drunk) players.

Any fresh meat was talk of the league. But fresh meat as hot as Maura? Every woman from every team took time to bring her a beer, or grab her ball for her, or compliment her form. Maura was always polite and gracious, but never reciprocated anything more.

A few weeks after she'd joined, Lila and a few other teammates took Maura out for drinks after a game to get the lowdown on why this total fox joined a lady-gay bowling league and wasn't sampling any of the goods. A couple beers in, and Maura found herself doing the last thing she expected: telling them about Jane.

"I'm in love with her."

The sky failed to fall. Maura's lungs continued to take on oxygen. Her life didn't crumble. It seemed quite anticlimactic.

The bowlers took it in stride. "Does she know?" Lila asked.

"No. No, I've not told her."

"Are you going to?"

Quietly. "No, I don't think I am."

"Why not?"

"She's heterosexual."

Lila quirked an eyebrow. "Weren't you?"

Maura smiled ruefully. "Yes. But Jane is Catholic."

"So were we," said Ty, a hot androgynous brunette said, gesturing between herself and Lila.

"How do you reconcile the teachings of your religion with your personal preferences?" Maura leaned in, interested both intellectually and personally.

Ty shrugged. Lila leaned back and grinned. "I personally think Jesus has bigger things to be worrying about than whose bits I like licking."

Maura wrinkled her nose in distaste. The other women laughed and high fived Lila.

"Actually, any sort of oral sex is not necessarily endorsed by the Catholic church, even consensual acts between married heterosexual partners."

"That explains a lot." Megan said dryly, earning herself a smack from Ty.

Lila rerouted the conversation back to Jane. "What's she like? This mystery lady?"

"She's…she's difficult to explain. She's wonderful. She's a detective."

"Wait. Stop. You're in love with a lady cop?" Lila leaned in, riveted.

"Yes. Why is that surprising?"

"Is she butch?"

"Well, Jane has many traditionally masculine characteristics. In many ways, she could be categorized as butch. However, she wears her hair long and she looks truly gorgeous in a dress and heels. She would describe herself as a tomboy, I suppose."

"Oh my god, Maura. You're in love with a sexy butch cop. Jesus. This is like, the hottest thing I've ever even thought about." Lila leaned back, closed her eyes, and comically fanned herself with her hand. She cracked an eye to see Maura looking horrified.

She, Megan, and Ty cracked up. "Maura, I'm just kidding. But seriously. Hot cop is like, my number one fantasy. To completely change the subject, what's her home address and phone number?"

Maura, pleased that she knew it was a joke, laughed.

Lila, Megan, and Ty exchanged looks. This woman was **hot**. This Jane must be **blind**.

* * *

The Dirty Robber was doing an experiment. Saturday night karaoke. It was going to be shitshow. Jane couldn't wait.

She, Maura, the guys, and a few of the techs from the crime lab made sure to get there right at 9 so they wouldn't miss a single cringe-worthy moment. They weren't disappointed. Every single person was worse than the last. Awkward ballads, loud off-beat yell-singing, and one super intense aria later, the team wasn't sure how much more they could take.

Finally, after a particularly horrible rendition of the Jackson 5's "ABC," Frost stood up. He grabbed Maura's hand, and pulled her away from Jane's side. "Come on, doc. Let's go show 'em how it's done."

Maura protested lightly, but it was no use. Jane's arm that had just been (casually!) around Maura's waist immediately broke out in goosebumps away from the body heat of her friend.

Korsak leaned over to her. "What on earth are they going to sing?"

Jane shrugged. "Fuck if I know."

Frost walked up on stage, pulling one of the microphones off the stand. "Hey, everyone. The Doc and I would like to dedicate this song to Sergeant Vincent Korsak." He pointed right at Korsak and winked broadly to the table. Korsak swore under his breath while Jane and Frankie cracked up.

The first notes sounded. Jane could not possibly believe it. She snorted, very very loudly. Then she whooped in encouragement. Frankie yelled out: "Barry's hot!"

Frost began to sing, fake earnestly, while Maura pulled the other mic off the stand and stood off to the side, grinning self-consciously and watching him.

_I can show you the world_

_Shining, shimmering, splendid_

_Tell me, princess, now when did_

_You last let your heart decide?_

On the word "princess," he pointed to Korsak and wiggled his eyebrows. Maura laughed behind him. He sang through his verses with many dramatic sweeps of his arms and intense closings of his eyes like a master of interpretive dance. The performance was already the self-reflexive burst of humor the whole bar was desperate for.

Jane couldn't stop laughing, but she also couldn't tear her eyes away from Maura. She could tell that the doctor was embarrassed and nervous, but she looked more confident than Jane would have suspected. Finally, with a slide backwards, Frost relinquished the spotlight and Maura stepped up.

_A whole new world_

_A dazzling place I never knew_

_But when I'm way up here_

_It's crystal clear_

_That now I'm in a whole new world with you_

Jane's jaw dropped. Maura's voice wasn't perfect, but it was much better than she'd expected. How and why had she never heard Maura sing before? Because not only was her voice better than anyone else's had been, but standing up there in her (designer) jeans and t-shirt, hair back in a ponytail, singing Disney and alternately making eyes at Korsak and cracking up, she had, quite honestly, never looked so beautiful. Jane's breath caught. Half of her brain couldn't believe that she was having this strong an emotional reaction during "A Whole New World," (because, come on, has anything ever been less butch?) but the other half was so busy taking in every second and every inch of Maura.

Frost and Maura finished the song, dramatically clasping their hands together and fluttering their eyelashes at Korsak. Korsak stood and initiated a slow clap for them, and the entire bar followed him. Korsak was a great sport, giving both of them a hug when they got back to the table. Maura was flushed, her eyes dancing. Jane felt her heart constrict.

Frost gave Maura a kiss on her cheek before throwing his arms around Korsak's midsection and leaning into his chest. "Oh papa bear!" he cried. Korsak just grunted.

Maura positively flitted over to Jane, who didn't waste a second before wrapping the doctor up in her arms. Maura laughed. "Did you like it?" She asked, pulling back with a smile.

Jane slid her hands down Maura's arms and entwined their fingers. "Like it? I loved it. I've always dreamed of hearing someone serenade Korsak like that."

Maura laughed again. Jane could not get enough of it.

They sat back down. Jane kept holding on to one of Maura's hands. "But seriously. How did you even know that song? Did you guys practice or something?"

"Aww, Jane," said Frost, leaning over the table. "Was that your way of saying we were good?"

Jane rolled her eyes at him.

"Frost has been teaching me some popular culture references." Maura explained. "I asked him to help catch me up on the most important things I missed out on from my rigid upbringing. I want to feel more connected to my generational and geographical cohort. A few weeks ago we had a Disney marathon which culminated in a, um…what would you call it?" She turned to Frost, furrowing her brow.

"A drunken sing-along?" Frost offered.

"Indeed." Maura said, beaming.

* * *

Maura had decided to be okay with being in love with Jane. She was going to act how she acted, and do what she wanted. She was going to show Jane that she loved her. And whatever happened, happened.


End file.
